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Her hand moves fast over her sheet of paper. I can only imagine what she’s putting down. This family needs help!!!! This woman is bat-shit crazy. I’m sure the list will be endless and I’ll never get out of here. I have no doubt that I’ll leave here with an itinerary of extensive therapy not for only me, but also for my family.
“How did your parents react to the news that Evan had died?”
“My dad was hurt. I’ve only seen him cry a few times in my life. I called him first because I needed him. He came right over, and I didn’t even have to tell him. He just knew. He held me while I sobbed in his arms. He knew what it felt like, he’s lost friends before, but this time it was like losing his son.
“He had once said to me that he didn’t want me to marry into the military because he wanted me to experience a different life, but he understood that you can’t help who you fall in love with. I didn’t look at it as a military to non-military issue, I was in love with Evan and this was his job. I accepted that and was proud of him.
“My parents were proud of him too, and they let him know all the time. Evan’s death hit them hard. Their daughter didn’t just lose her fiancé, they also lost a son. My dad may have been a hard ass and strict, but he had respect for the twins and was especially close to Evan.”
“A lot of family time, I’m gathering?”
“All the time, at least when Evan was home. Sunday dinners and weekend picnics were the norm. If Evan was just returning, my mom threw a big party for him. We’d all be together, Nate, Julianne and Livvie included. My parents made them feel welcomed and my mom even tried to set up Julianne with an officer from base, but she wasn’t having it. She said that she wasn’t lonely while she was still raising a teenage daughter.”
“You mentioned earlier that things are strained with you and Julianne?”
“Yes, ever since Evan’s funeral. I had hoped that things would change when EJ was born, but they didn’t. Well, it did for EJ, but not for me. Julianne is close with EJ, and she tolerates me as his mother. I think that I’m a reminder or something. When Nate decided to reenlist, she berated me something fierce. She told me that I was taking her last son away from her. Sometimes I think she says things to EJ to make him question Nate’s uniform.”
“How is your mom with EJ?”
“Oh, EJ is her world. Since moving to California my dad fishes a lot, and when EJ was little, he kept him during the day and they’d do manly things, but my mom would take him on the weekends. They do everything together. She’s taught him how to garden and make jam. They’ll go apple picking in the fall, and she’ll take him on base to show him off. He has his own set of NWU’s that he wears proudly. EJ is grandma’s angel. I know she wants more grandchildren and thought that Nate and I would expand our family, but now… well, now I’m not so sure that’s going to happen.”
“How do your parents feel about Nate?”
“My dad isn’t as close to Nate as he was to Evan, but he still treats him fairly. They’ve been to sporting events, fishing trips, father-son stuff, but it’s not the same, and Nate knows that. I think my dad doesn’t want to get close. Fear has set in that one day Nate may not come back from a mission and we’ll all be broken-hearted again. I’m not sure how many people you have to lose before you stop caring, but I think my dad is there at least. I could be there too.”
“And your mother?”
“She’s impartial. She wants to see me happy. She wants EJ to grow up with a strong family background. They’re not joking when they say it takes a village to raise a child because it does, especially when you feel broken and beaten down. I depend a lot on my mom, not only to teach me, but to guide me into motherhood. I’m not sure how single parents do it. I commend them though. I have a whole army of people ready and willing on a moment’s notice to drop what they’re doing to help me.”
“Army?” she questions with a raised eyebrow.
For the first time I can feel myself smile. “Bad pun, sorry,” I say, jokingly. Maybe this will help, but then again maybe not. A little glimmer of hope can go a long way though.
“LET’S TALK ABOUT YOUR return home.”
I scoff and pull the chair away from her desk, harder than I wanted, but it earns me an inquisitive look. This is another subject I don’t want to talk about. The most anticipated return home turning into the most epic failure of all.
“Really not something I want to talk about.”
She folds her hands, much like the principal used to do when I had to report to his office. This is their “calm” look. She’s calmly going to tell me this is for my own good and that the sooner we get this out in the open the sooner we can – or I can – move on. Ryley apparently didn’t have any problems moving on.
“We landed; no one was there to greet us. I got a cab ride home. End of story.”
The doctor leans back in her chair, rocking slightly before sighing. “I know this has to be the hardest question for you, Evan. Just remember the goal.”
I close my eyes and shake my head. Never in the years that I’ve been in combat did I experience something so heartbreaking and demoralizing as the day we came home.
“It was raining when we landed. As soon as the C-130 touched down, we were out of our jump seats before the engine was shut off. Coming home from deployment is sometimes met with little to no fanfare. There are times when we get the job done, and bam, we’re right back home and in time for dinner. Other times, the wives, girlfriends and kids are there with their banners and balloons.
“When my unit returned from Afghanistan, the welcoming party was top notch. The San Diego State marching band was there. Speeches were given. We had refreshments, the whole nine-yards. What people don’t realize is that while the party is nice, we just want to be home. We want to acclimate to our surroundings. We want to kiss our women good and proper. We want to scratch our balls without the TV cameras watching us.
“Anyway, when we stepped off, nothing. Our CO had been on the bird with us and he literally patted us on the back and said ‘see you at 0800 for debriefing.’ We watched, dumbfounded, as he got into a car and drove off. He just left us there. It’s a pretty shitty feeling returning home after being gone for six years to find no one waiting for you and your CO not care how you were getting back home.”
“What’d you do?”
“Stood there, scratching our heads, wondering why there were taxis waiting for us.”
“Did you find it odd that your…” she pauses and looks over her notes. “Your CO, as you call him, left you there?”
