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“I hid a lot of my fears from him for years. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him what I was feeling. I think, sometimes, he thought I knew how to deal with deployment because of my dad, but that was different.”
“What happened the day he left?”
“It was a beautiful day, and I woke up in his arms. He could’ve gotten into trouble, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t the weekend so no visitors were allowed in the barracks, but he was all for breaking the rules that night.”
“‘It’s time for me to go.’”
“‘I know.’”
“His kisses were gentle, not rushed. He was memorizing the way we fit. I started crying against my will. I couldn’t hold my tears back. I didn’t want him to go. I was used to having him on my weekends and now he was going to be gone for who knows how long… a year or longer. I was just so afraid that we wouldn’t be the same when he came back.”
“‘I love you, Ry. I love you so damn much nothing’s going to change that. I’m going to come home to you and get you to walk down the aisle to marry my sorry ass.’”
“‘I love you too, Evan. Please come home to me.’”
“‘I promise.’”
“He promised every time he left, and I believed him.” I wipe away a tear, keeping my eyes on the ground. “I felt fear when he was gone. In the blink of an eye everything changed. Nothing prepares you for them leaving even though you know it’s coming. Phones calls don’t stop until they’re on the plane and you’re left standing there wondering what the hell just happened. Some wives cry hysterically and others – the ones that have done this many times – shed a few tears, round up their children and head back to their homes to start a new routine.
“The wives had each other. I didn’t have anyone. I was going back to school to finish out my year. Evan would miss my summer vacation. We wouldn’t be taking weekend camping trips or going to the beach. I didn’t have Nate, either. He was off doing his own specialized training and that meant I was alone.”
“Did Evan call often?”
I shake my head. “The phone calls were sporadic and sometimes I’d miss them because of class or I’d be asleep from studying. With each missed call, I’d cry for days. I just wanted to hear his voice and hear that he was okay. A voicemail wasn’t enough for me. When we could connect, the calls where short and sometimes hard to hear. I tried not to get angry, but I couldn’t help it. The littlest things were so important and we weren’t getting those.
“I resorted to writing him letters and sending goodie boxes. I’d go to my parents’ on the weekends and make him cookies and buy him necessities. I’d send a box every two weeks, but letters more often. Sometimes the letters were just the words I love you and sometimes it was the essay I had to write for my class. I’d write to him like he was sitting on my bed while I was studying. I sent him pictures of the oddest things, like a random leaf on the ground that fell while I was writing him or something like that. I’d just write so he had words.
“And when letters came in, I didn’t want to read them for fear my tears would wash away his words just like the day he gave me his phone number. I needed to hold onto whatever I could until he came home.”
“Would you say Evan was possessive of you?”
I laugh. “Yes and no. If you think about it, what teenage boy isn’t possessive of what’s theirs? But he wasn’t violent about it. He did assert himself, but others knew we were together.”
“What about other women who were interested in Evan?”
“I had to beat them off with a stick. It was bad. They were everywhere and Nate said it was worse because he had a girlfriend.”
“Evan was popular?”
“Both the twins were, but like I said they were different. Evan was outgoing, the life of the party, and his mother called him a skirt chaser. Nate was more academic and just an overall good guy.”
“How did you feel when you were with Evan?”
“Secure,” I say confidently. Remembering those early days with Evan has helped me keep his memory alive. “Loved. Cherished. I could go on and on.” I stop for a minute and look at the therapist. “I know you’re probably thinking because his mom called him a skirt chaser that he was a cheater or a womanizer, but he wasn’t. Never did I think he was unfaithful to me. He told his dad that once he saw me, no one else existed for him.”
“Don’t you think he was too young to make that declaration?”
I shake my head and look her square in the eyes. “My parents started dating when they were in the seventh grade. They never dated anyone else and entered the service together and are still happily married. I believe you can find your soul mate at any age; it’s the circumstance that brings you together.”
“I commend your parents. It’s unheard of these days. What can you tell me about Evan and Nate’s parents?”
“Um… their dad died a year into the war. The twins enlisted before they graduated and their dad died a year later. It was almost a year to the day from when they signed on the dotted line. They did it because they wanted to follow in their dad’s footsteps and because of the terrorist attacks. They wanted to serve with their dad. The Archers were very closed off about their boys though. Nate told me years ago that their father wanted Evan to go to college, to be something different. Nate had made his declaration of enlisting long before Evan did and when Evan went to the recruiter’s office, they were eager to have both so the recruiter set everything in motion for them to sign on the same day.”
“That’s understandable.”
“It is and it isn’t. Their mom wanted them together, so she was happy. She was always going on about how twins should stick together and that if one was too far, the other would feel the pain. I don’t know, the twins are hard to explain. They can finish each other sentences like an old married couple, but at the same time they can be so distant it’s unnerving. Archie, their dad, always felt that Nate was in Evan’s shadow, and thought this was Nate’s time to shine. Anyway, when their dad died, I thought they’d finish out their two years and come home, but they didn’t. They both had become SEALs and losing their dad only increased their desire to bring down the enemy.”
“How did your parents feel about Evan and you being so close?”
