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He cracks his knuckles, then settles back in his chair and rests an arm over the top of where Sam had been sitting. He peers at the camera, “You guys want advice from me?” He shakes his head, a coy grin tugging at the side of his mouth. “I don’t think you guys are ready for this from me. But--” His eyes narrow and he leans forward. A serious expression settles over his face, and he rests his elbows on his knees. “If you say you want it, who am I to make that judgment call, and that’s the first set of advice. 1.” He raises a finger in the air. “Fart upwind from others. It’s not about being polite. Be rude. That’s what farts are. Well, they’re hilarious, but if you’re going to fart, own it. In fact, that’s my second piece of advice. Own it. Whatever it is, whoever you are. Just own it. If you’re a bitch, embrace being a bitch. People like being genuine. You can be a total asshole and people will still like you if you say you’re being an asshole. Don’t hide it. Hug it to you. Be the biggest, baddest bitch or asshole you can be. Your life will be a lot easier too. No more being fake. No more trying to hide or avoiding accountability. And third piece of advice: sex. No, really. Sex. Love it. Relish it. Be sexified. Love who you are as a person and love your body. Embracing sex is a big part of that. Don’t hide from that either. I mean, why the hell would you? I feel sorry for those people.” He looks around. “I feel like I’m the only one being asked questions. Someone else come in here. Jax! Jax--Heather Jax, get over here. You answer some of these questions.”
HEATHER JAX’S ADVICE
“You want advice from me? Are you sure?” She looks behind her. “No one else is here, huh?” She thinks a moment, then leans forward and rests her elbows on her knees. Her long dirty-blonde hair falls forward, over her shoulders. “Okay. Well, here’s some from me. Work hard. Play hard. And….” Her forehead scrunches up. “Don’t date anyone from Roussou. For real. Don’t. They have a whole ‘crew’ system there and if you have a boyfriend who has a sister that goes to school there, yeah. It’s going to mess up your love life. Just avoid it at all costs.” She looks down to the floor. “Yeah. That’s it for me. I guess I’m boring. Why am I here? I usually don’t answer these questions.” She looks around. “Mark?! Are you here? You could give advice too.”
MARK DECRAW’S ADVICE
He sits there, staring at the interviewer.
The interviewer asks, “Do you have any advice to give us?”
“Who is us?” He scratches behind his ear. “Who am I talking to?”
“To us. To me. To….readers who like the series. Give us some advice for life.”
“Uh….” He thinks a moment, then holds up a finger. “Get a really good mom like mine. And if you don’t have one, find one, like Sam did. She lucked out. She wasn’t looking, but she got us. Oh--don’t be afraid to do what’s best for your loved ones. I spoke up against Mason. I’m going to own that. I don’t know. He...I worry about Sam sometimes, but I should. She’s my sister. You know? Do you understand? I mean, yeah, they’re soulmates. And yeah, Sam doesn’t really listen to anyone except Mason and Logan so my opinion doesn’t matter, but I’m her brother now. I’m her real stepbrother, well--so are they, but you know what I mean. I was her real stepbrother a whole year before them. That counts, right? I’m not sleeping with her. I don’t look at her like that. If anyone, I’m the genuine brother to her. My opinion should matter, but it doesn’t. Mason shut me down, literally. I think he actually told me to shut up and sit down. See what I did there? Shut down. Shut up and sit down. Yeah. I put them together. Okay-- more advice. Uh.” He cocks his head to the side, his eyes narrowing. He shrugs. “I don’t know, maybe just be really sure who you love. Yeah. Get a good mom like I have, if a girl is generally known as a bitch, don’t date her because if you fall in love with her, then…. You’re stuck with her.” He winces. “I hope Cass never sees this. She’ll take my nuts. I should stop giving advice.” He nods to himself and stands, throwing up a peace sign. “Peace. Love. Prosper. My advice, everyone!”
CASS’ (MARK’S BITCHY GIRLFRIEND) ADVICE
“I have amazing advice. Only fuck someone rich. Don’t fall in love with that fucker, because you have to look out for yourself, and if you do fall in love--just run.” She looks to the side and raises her voice. “Yeah, I’m talking about you, Mark. I should follow my own advice and RUN!”
He yells back, “Start running. I’m not stopping you. I’ll just sic Sam after you. She’ll lap you in seconds.”
Cass groans, slumping down in her chair. “That’s my other advice. If you fall in love with someone whose mother and stepsister hate you, your life is going to be miserable. My life is going to be miserable.” She shudders, but stands and leaves.
The interviewer turns to the camera. “I had more questions for her too.”
The camera guy shrugs.
Hamburgers or hot dogs?
Logan scoffs. “Is that even a question? Wait. Are we the hamburger or hotdogs? Are we eating them? What are they being used for?” He thinks a second, then shrugs. “I’m usually always going to go for the wiener, but I’d rather a steak if we’re talking about eating. Are we talking about eating?”
Mason shrugs, his arms crossed over his chest. “Between the two, a big hamburger, but I’d go steak too.”
Sam shakes her head. “Neither. Sushi for me.”
Nate points to Mason and Logan. “Yeah, I’m going with them. Big ass red steak.”
Matteo shudders. “You all are wrong. A big pork roast. That’s the way to do it.”
Heather wrinkles her nose. “I’m usually up for a hamburger, but listening to them is making me want to go vegetarian.” She looks at Logan. “Do not tell my brother that. He’ll never shut up.”
If you had a pet, what would it be?
Sam speaks up first, shooting her hand in the air. “A German Shepherd! Yes. A big running dog.”
Mason and Logan are nodding. Mason says, “I’m down with that. A German Shepherd.”
Heather shakes her head. “Nope. I want a pet pig. I don’t care about the jokes. I don’t care about the rules. I am getting a pet pig and that pig is going to work with me every day. He’s going to be my companion.”
