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I think I like St. Louis.
I like these guys. Sydney, Nate and West. Okay, I more than like them, I connect with them. They’re fucked up—like me. Their families screwed them over—like mine. And there’s something about them that pulls me like a magnet.
Sydney is hot… and the guys want her. I want her too. What is this mess? I should walk away. But I wanted to stay just a bit longer, save some money. So fucking tired of moving all the time. I like the guys. I like Syd.
Why can’t I stay?
But I’m not supposed to be talking to you about them, am I, dear fucking Journal? I’m supposed to be talking about the past, and the things that wake me up at night in cold sweat. The things that send me outside in the cold to smoke weed and try and breathe.
November 8 - Two years ago
What the fuck?
>
That is the question, isn’t it? Something off with the family I’m staying with. Nate’s family. And West’s grandfather is seriously disturbed. The way he talks to West… As for Syd’s mom, she’s never around. I’m starting to think she doesn’t live here.
I think Sydney is really sad. So sad. Makes my own sadness sharper. Nate isn’t okay. Something’s going on with his family. His dad? And West’s grandfather is acting weird.
Jesus, what have I got myself into? I should be getting the hell out of this city. I’ve been here long enough. Flying under the radar works but one slip up and I’ll be spotted.
Time to get moving.
January 16 - One year ago
The chandeliers were swaying in the breeze. I remember that so well, the day Mom and Shelly died. The door was left open. The gunshots were silent. Fired from a distance. One of them smashed a painting on the wall. My mom’s face was hit. She lay in a pool of blood. My sis…
God fuck, why am I writing this? I know it’s not helping, it’s not an answer. Is it wrong that I want someone to hold me and say I won’t be alone forever? That I lost the ones who loved me, but it’s not the end? That not everyone out there only cares about my inheritance and/or is trying to kill me?
When Sydney held me the other day… it felt so right. It felt good, all the way to the marrow of my bones. When Nate has his arm around my shoulders, or West slaps my back, I feel… like I should stay.
Should I stay? Am I the greatest fool the world has ever seen? They want each other. Love each other. They love Sydney, and where does that leave me?
Don’t say it.
Fucking stupid journal.
March 6 - One year ago
Still here.
I had to get Nate out of this place. Get him away from here. There’s no use denying the fact that I care for him. For all of them. Syd came with us, and it made me happy—that she’s moving on, and moving in with me.
Selfish, I know. Especially since it’s not me she wants, it’s Nate and West. West who stayed behind to take care of his grandfather and sister. Weirdly it hurts that he stayed behind. Not because he abandoned us, but because I can’t look after him when he lives apart. I can’t protect him.
What’s wrong with me, right? They’re falling for each other. It’s a love triangle, and will probably end in fucking tears and heartbreak, and I’m not even part of it. Which should be great but hurts instead. It hurts that I’m left outside their little circle of desire and affection.
Everything hurts. Every single fucking thing, and yet I’m still here.
Because for the first time in years, I feel something, and I can’t let go.
Chapter Forty-Six
Nate
Predictably the police pretty much dismiss our appeal. As we sit there, at the station, I know they won’t believe us. They ask if the dealer would come in and make a statement, but I doubt The Eel will let himself be found again, even less let himself be dragged to the station for questioning.
Maybe he’s self-conscious about his stupid nickname? I know I would be.
