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“Can’t cut my heart into pieces. Why can’t I love all of you?”
“You can’t,” I whisper, and there’s a lump in my throat that won’t let me breathe.
“My mom,” she says, and I still, because Syd never talks about her mom, the mom she waited for and who never came back. “My mom went through many men, changed them every month like toothbrushes. I don’t even know which one of them was my dad. She’d fall in love, and then switch, and follow another guy. Spinning around, like a weather vane, like a broken compass, turning this way and then that. Undecided.”
“Syd…”
“I’m not like that, Nate. I’m not broken. Undecided. I know what my heart wants. My mom couldn’t love me. She didn’t have enough love in her for more than one person at a time. But I do. I have enough. You made me fall in love with you, all three of you. Love isn’t a road. It’s a country. It’s a universe. You are my stars, and I’m lost without you.”
What can I say to that? Nothing. And it’s not because of how sad I am for her, or upset that she loves all of us—but because I feel all her pain, and I’d be lost without all three of them, too.
The gym closes at ten PM, and I grab my stuff to go home, calling out goodbyes to the guys. Molly approaches me, probably to go out for that drink, but I evade her, giving her the excuse of a headache.
It’s not a lie, but yeah, pretending to be interested in front of Sydney was an asshole move I vow not to repeat ever again.
The one I want is Sydney. And I want to keep West and Kash near me. This is my family, the people I give a fuck for. What Sydney said, about needing us all, I understand that. Deep in my gut, I want that.
Thing is, I don’t know how one gets away with it. Guy gets girl, girl gets guy. Guys have friends, bros. If Sydney chooses one of us to be her boyfriend, can the rest of us stay friends? This situation is already putting a rift between us. But she says she doesn’t want to choose, so how does that work?
That’s when I realize my feet aren’t taking me to the bus stop to go home but leading me toward our old building.
Toward West.
What am I doing?
But all these things festering in my chest, the question why he didn’t tell me about wanting Syd, about touching her… I have to talk to him.
Sighing, I pull out my phone to give him a call, see if he’s in, and find some missed calls from him, and from Kash. I’d turned the volume on low while at work and didn’t hear the ring.
Kash also sent me a text message. I click on it, curious—guy never calls or texts me.
‘Need to talk to you about West,’ it reads.
Yeah, well. This would’ve been cryptic as fuck under any other circumstances, but I know already what he wants to tell me.
Yeah, Syd slept with West, got it.
Fuckers.
My head throbs in time to my steps, my blood pounding in my ears. Fuck this. Fuck calling. I start to jog, all this anger, this confusion needing an outlet. I break into a run, racing down the street, threading through side streets and passages.
How can I give up on Syd?
Or West, or Kash? They keep me sane, they are all I have. How can I make this puzzle whole without losing the rest of my sanity?
Someone is sitting on the steps outside the building as I come around the corner. What are the odds? It’s West, sitting on the top step, staring ahead, his face blank.
Something feels wrong, but I’m too amped up from running and worrying and wanting so much when I know I’m not worth anything at all.
“You.” I come to a stop in front of him and bend over, struggling to catch my breath, my leg muscles burning like fire. “Motherfucker.”
He makes a strange sound I can’t decipher in reply.
I jab a finger at him, still unable to lift my head, still panting so hard I see black spots swimming in my eyes. “You slept with her? And didn’t think to tell me? What the hell, West?”
He still says nothing.
“You knew I wanted her.” I straighten in degrees, turn and drop down on the steps beside him. Rub a hand over my sweaty face. “Goddammit.”
