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“Sure.” If only the doubts plaguing my mind would fuck off and leave me in peace, I’d be peachy.
My grandfather was right. The world comes first. Before family. Before love. He literally beat it into my head. He’s the reason I’m not my father, that I’d never put money over human lives, success over ethics.
But what about me? What about falling in love with a girl for the first time—a girl who’s gonna be my baby’s mom no less—and leaving her for a battle I might not win? A battle that might not be successful, or even necessary?
What if there is another way than throwing myself to the wolves this time? A way that might earn me a life with her? With them?
Fuck. I’ve already said yes to Lopez—and that’s what my gut tells me I should do—but I can’t shake the feeling that my place is here, with my girl.
That for the first time in my life, dying for a noble cause isn’t enough. That I wanna live and be happy and have a family like anyone else, and I don’t care if that makes me a selfish bastard.
Shit. What the hell should I do?
***
“Hawk.” Raylin trails after me, jogging to catch up with my much longer strides. “Wait. What do you think you’re doing?”
“Gonna grab a glass of water.” She grabs my arm. I shake it free.
She grabs it again, and I stop, groaning. “No. Did you just volunteer to go back to the bastards who almost killed you? The same guys who don’t really care if you live or die? Who wouldn’t give a rat’s ass if you bled internally to death in that basement because their mighty Organization is more important than anything else? Seriously?”
My lips twitch. Storm’s girl is badass.
But Layla is gold. She’s honey and silk and concern and love and nobody compares to her. “I have to do it, Ray.”
“Bullshit. This is the stupidest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
And the doubts are back with a vengeance, circling like vultures. “Oh yeah? So we leave the Organization alone, to bring the world to its knees? No resistance? No fighting?”
“You aren’t the only person in this world, Hawk. I hate to break it to you, but you may not achieve anything today except lose your life if you go along with that plan. And then what about Layla? What about the baby?”
I bury my fingers in my hair and tug, because fuck, she’s voicing all my thoughts and all my fears. “Christ, Ray. So what, I step back and say to hell with it? Let someone else fight this battle because I have a girl I love? Don’t others, too?”
Her expression softens. “See, I knew you loved her. She loves you, too, you know.”
I close my eyes briefly, pain stabbing me through the chest. “Yeah? Well if she did, after today she probably doesn’t, not anymore.”
“You’re an idiot. You’re a frigging bastard.”
“Whoa.” I lift my hands. “Now what?”
“You accused her of something, didn’t you, Hawk? Of wanting something from you. She’s pregnant, for chrissakes. Have you got any idea how much worse everything hurts her now? How your words must have felt to her?”
“How come you’re on her side? You don’t know her, Raylin.”
“But you do. You’re in love with her. Or not? Am I missing something?”
No, she’s not missing anything. Dammit. I overreacted, that’s all. I fell back on my usual suspicions. I looked at her like I’d have looked at any chick who’d come to tell me she’s pregnant with my baby.
Thinking she’ll want child support. Compensation. One of my mansions. One of my yachts. Something.
She’d had hope in her eyes when she’d given me the test. Fear, also, and nervousness, but that bright spark of hope and happiness was there, and I chose to ignore it. I had no choice but to ignore it, lost in my own doubts and rattled by the unexpectedness of it.
“I need to apologize to her,” I whisper.
&nb
sp; “Yes! Yes, you need to. And what about this suicide mission you’ve taken on? Will you drop it? She needs you, you know.”
