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Gritting my teeth, I still my hand. A heavy vein on the underside pulses rapidly against my fingers. What the hell am I doing? I should be getting her out of my mind, not jerking off to fantasies of her.
Only problem with that is... if I can’t even have this, this fantasy, then I might as well jump off a bridge. I warned her to stay away from me, but the warning was for myself. I’m the one who can’t keep away, who can’t stop thinking about her.
The shadows creep in until I can’t take it anymore and pluck on the hoop behind the head of my cock, seeking the sting of pain.
It’s almost as good as the pleasure. White flashes go off in my vision. I wrench the barbell and jerk, the pain taking my breath away.
This is what I need. This is what I deserve. Again and again I do it, my jaw clamping, my teeth grinding together. Sweat breaks on my brow, drips into my eyes, stinging. My muscles strain, my legs kick against the covers. My harsh breaths fill the room. The ceiling spins. I close my eyes and unclench my fingers, releasing my softening dick.
God fuck. Yeah, this is all I’ll ever hope to get. Pain and more pain.
At long last my locked muscles begin to relax. My mind still fizzles, blessedly empty. The respite will be brief, I know. So I throw an arm over my face and try to catch some sleep while I can.
***
The gym is packed. I watch the guys train, standing a ways off, my mind a thousand miles away.
Megan.
I did the only thing I could and stopped going to the coffee shop where she works. But if I’m not there, who’s gonna keep an eye on her, make sure she’s okay and that nobody has come after her, as she fears? Her pansy of a boyfriend?
Keeping away fro
m her is eating at me, but I’m not going to follow her around when she doesn’t want me to. I have Apples, one of my street kids, keeping an eye on her, and reporting to me. That should be enough.
Not enough for me, though. All I want is to grab her, kiss her, rip off her clothes and fuck her senseless. She’s a goddess made of sexy and sweet—milk, coffee and chocolate with a dash of caramel. She makes my mouth water, and my dick hard.
Fuck... I can’t have her.
Now the other stuff, the bad stuff, is all I have. Worrying about the shop. Waking up in cold sweat. Spending dark nights pacing my room. Punching walls, trying to shove them away, find a path through the ruins. Find the truth.
But the only truth is that I’m fucking lost.
I sigh, rub my itchy eyes. Focus, Rafe. I have a plan of sorts. A plan to protect Megan. A plan to get into the underground fighting ring and look for the man with the hand tattoo.
Asher has been avoiding me, as if he knows what I want to ask of him, or maybe I am imagining it. After all, his girlfriend is very pregnant, and Tessa says she’s having some problems with the pregnancy.
So I’ve put out word to the street urchins, the gangs and illegal betting joints. I will find a way in, one way or another. And I’ll keep an eye on Megan without imposing my presence on her.
I slide my hand under my shirt, touch the names inked in my side—my dad, mom and sister. I will avenge you, I promise silently. I swear it.
A slight girl enters the gym and heads straight for me. Lost as I am in thought, it takes me more than a fucking second to recognize Apples.
“Hey, boss, can I talk to you for a sec?” She shifts from foot to foot, eyeing everyone in the gym as if they’re potential killers. Her dirty sneakers squeak, and her blond dreadlocks swing back and forth.
“What’s up?” I do my best to unclench my taped hands and relax my shoulders. Look unthreatening.
I wonder sometimes why I bother.
Apples shoots me a grin and rolls her eyes as if she knows what I’m trying to do. “Been watching your girl for you.”
“So spill.”
She rubs her thumb and forefinger together and winks. “Nothing’s fucking free in life, Rafe.”
“Language.” I sigh. “I’ll pay you later. You know I come through. So now talk.”
She clucks her tongue and smiles, and I know I’ve won. Not that it does anything for the worry gnawing at my stomach. “You were right. She has a stalker.”
