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It looks like I succeeded. She doesn’t show up at Damage in the ne
xt couple of days. That’s what I wanted—so why do I feel like utter shit? It’s as if someone is slowly ripping out my heart.
And Ash won’t pick up the phone. I entertain the idea that Zane gave me a wrong number, but that doesn’t add up. Zane wants Ash and me to talk.
I don’t even know Asher’s address. I know he lives with that girl, Audrey. Her friend Tessa must know. I just need to find Tessa.
And force Ash to talk to me?
Fuck.
The reason I moved here, versus visiting, is to give Ash time to get used to me, so he’ll open up and let me into his life. He made it abundantly clear so far he doesn’t want to see me, so I have to suck it up and wait, hoping he’ll come around.
Though why would he? What does he owe me? Fucking nothing. I left and didn’t get my shit back together until now. Until I saw my little brother in the emergency room and realized how fucking bad I’ve let him down. How close I came to losing him, the only family I have left, the little boy that used to follow me around, asking for my attention.
Well, those days are certainly gone.
I spend my afternoons working at Damage, my nights working on the websites and the mornings riding my bike out of town. The lawyer contacted me again, told me I should gather my stuff from Dad’s house, or it’ll be thrown away.
I’m tempted to say to hell with my things. I can’t even remember what I left behind. The image of the teddy bear with the gruesome crimson lettering on its chest haunts me. Let them have everything—sell it, own it, throw it away. I’m not going back.
Last night was brutal. I fell asleep on top of my laptop and woke up disoriented, thinking I was in the fucking basement of my parents’ house. Almost puked before I realized the dark was because it was the dead of night outside, and that the windows were open. I wasn’t tied up. I could leave if I wanted.
And I did. Rode my bike like a madman through the streets of the sleeping town and stopped at one of the lakeside parks. I parked my Ducati and shoved my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket, defying the stinging cold as I walked to the shore and looked over the still water surface. It wasn’t frozen, but it might as well have been, it was so dark and dead.
Like the place where my heart used to be.
It was in a park like this one where Asher was found, bleeding and freezing to death. I walk along the shore, the stiff grass crunching under my heavy boots. Frustrated, I kick at a stone and send it flying into the water. The splash shatters the quiet, then a hush falls once more, only broken by my harsh breathing.
What the fuck am I doing here? No matter how often I ask myself that, no matter how often I reply, it’s all bullshit.
Ash doesn’t need me. He never has. He’s got his friends, and he’s got Audrey. I gave up my role as a big brother and Ash’s protector long ago and I sure as fuck don’t deserve to ask for it back. What do I have to show for it? The fact I threw away the pills? That I moved back? How the hell would that ever be enough?
Who am I kidding? Erin doesn’t need me, either. Nobody does.
Suddenly it’s all crystal clear in my mind. I’m not here for him, or her. I’m here for me. I won’t find rest until I make amends. Until I find some sort of forgiveness.
But I fucked up so badly, with Ash, with Erin… Christ.
I return to my bike and settle on the saddle. How did I ever think I could change for the better? That I could turn things around and be happy?
That redemption and happily-ever-after shit happens to other people, but never to me.
***
It’s late in the evening. Not much is happening at Damage. The guys are inking two customers in the back, and I’m running my hands through my hair over and over, fighting a maddening headache that’s been hammering at the back of my eyeballs since morning.
And to top it all, Marlene has been calling every hour. Another missed call from her blinks on my cell phone. When will she give up?
The computer screen flickers in my eyes, and I blink hard. Not the time to pass out—not while working. Zane isn’t here, but Rafe is. He says he’s holding the fort until Zane returns, but he’s been locked up in the office in the back since early afternoon and has yet to resurface.
The office. Erin. The memory of her taste, her silky skin, her voice assaults me, and my body wants. Needs. Needs her.
But she doesn’t need me. I have to remember that. Not push her again. She deserves better than me.
I drop my head on my folded arms on top of the desk. Goddammit, I’m so tired. Of everything. Maybe it’s time to leave here. How long will James hold my job back in Chicago? Has he given it away already to the temp he hired? It wouldn’t surprise me.
You said you wouldn’t quit so easily. Is that all you got?
