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Ouch. “I thought we could be again.”
He blinks at me, then looks away, his thick dark lashes sweeping low. God, he’s gorgeous. Now that I’ve decided I don’t hate him, I can’t stop ogling him. How mortifying.
Then he stands up, muscles rippling under his shirt. “I should go. This was a bad idea.”
Oh god, no. “Please stay.” I get up, shoving my chair back. The legs screech on the wooden floor. “Come on, Ash. It’s Christmas. Can’t we make up?”
He’s breathing hard. He rakes a hand through his dark hair. Boy is built like a god, narrow hips and strong legs, and those shoulders...
“Make up.” He’s eyeing me carefully and his hands are curling into fists. “How do you propose to do that?”
“Just give me a chance to explain. To apologize. I’m sorry I wasn’t nice to you.”
“You weren’t nice? What are you talking about?”
Okay, what? “I thought I hated you because of what your dad did. But I don’t. I swear.”
He takes a step back as if I’ve just slapped him. “You should.”
“What, hate you?” I really can’t follow anymore. “It wasn’t your fault, Ash. I know that, always have. It’s just that...” Getting the words out is hard. “I spent so long trying to get over you that I thought I did.”
“Get over me. What do you mean?”
Is he being dense on purpose? “You know, in high school. After you kissed me and then decided I wasn’t worth it and started ignoring me.”
“I never thought you weren’t worth it.”
He sounds bewildered and it makes me angry. I’ve torn my chest open and here I am, pouring my heart out. The least he can do is not mock me.
“You kissed me, and the next day you stopped talking to me. You kissed other girls. I saw you. You ignored me. We’d been friends and then everything changed.”
He sighs and it seems to come from deep inside of him. “Damn right everything changed. Because after kissing you I was sure you were the only one I’d ever want, and I couldn’t have you.”
Okay, my mind short-circuits again—for a different reason this time. “You’re not making any sense. You stopped talking to me because you decided you wanted me?”
He nods. “Yeah.”
“Explain this to me because I can’t figure it out.” I’m desperately trying to keep the tears back. The wound is old but it feels like it’s bleeding again. “You were my best friend, and you kissed me, and then you vanished from my life.”
So much for forgiving him and getting over him, huh.
He turns around, his back stiff. “I wasn’t good for you. I’m still not.”
“Bullshit.”
He stiffens more, his hands balling at his sides. “It’s the truth.”
“I don’t know what you mean.” My voice trembles. “Look at me, Ash. Talk to me.”
“You know I got into fights. I beat other kids up.”
“That wasn’t like you.”
“And what am I like?” Harsh. Angry.
“You’re a good person.” I hesitate. “Something happened back then, didn’t it? Tessa said your mom passed away. I didn’t know.”
His breath hitches. “Yeah. But it happened long before that, even before Tyler left. When Mom first got sick, Dad... he started drinking and lashing out right and left. Whoever was in his way...tough luck. But I did the same, Auds. Exactly the same. I started swinging and took down whoever got in the way.” He shakes his head, his voice dropping low. “I’m not what you need. Never was.”
