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I nod and step inside. Idaline closes the door and stands next to me, looking a bit unsure of herself. “Can I give you a hug?”
Her arms wrap around me with no hesitation. This is the definition of heaven. Her body molds to mine, her head fitting perfectly just below my chin. I never should’ve waited so long for this.
“You’ve been drinking,” she states quietly.
“Don’t worry; I didn’t drive here.” I squeeze her tighter, hoping my skin will soak in the comfort that is Idaline. “I’m sorry this is how we’re meeting for the first time. This isn’t how I wanted it to happen. With me needing to get away and coming to the one place I knew I could go.”
“So, something is wrong.”
“Worse than that; things are fucked up.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks.
“No. Let me give you twelve years’ worth of hugs.”
We stand there, minute after minute, holding onto one another and not for a second is it awkward or uncomfortable. It’s perfection in my arms. My soul soothes a little, patching up the broken parts of me if only temporarily.
“Let’s sit down,” Idaline eventually says. She leads me to her couch.
“Nice place.”
“Thanks.”
She angles toward me and I angle toward her. My gaze still travels over her apartment, piecing together what I’ve seen in our videocalls and what I’m seeing now. But then, my eyes land on a picture of Idaline holding a baby, who I believe is her niece. I gulp as tears well in my eyes. All the horrid thoughts and actions from earlier pour down over me. Leaning forward, hunched over my knees, I bury my face in my hands.
Idaline’s hand gently rests on my shoulder and a second later, she rubs my back. That doesn’t help my breakdown of epic proportions. I don’t know when I last cried and if I’ve ever cried in front of a woman, it was my mom or my nana. This is a new low for me. But I keep picturing a mini me and trying to reconcile that with my current feelings of disgust and dislike and of not wanting a damn thing to do with it because of this fucked up situation I’m in. This situation I didn’t get out of soon enough and now I don’t see a way to leave at all.
If Lila has this kid, I’m not going anywhere. The rest of my life will be full of suffering because the idea of leaving this poor innocent soul in her sole care is unbearable.
“FC, what’s wrong?” Idaline grabs my shoulder to turn me so my head is on her shoulder and her arms are around me once again. All I can do is shake my head. How can I tell her what I’ve done? “You have to tell me something.”
“Too fucked up to say.” She’s the last person I want to know about the situation I’ve found myself in.
Idaline doesn’t push me further. Soon, the tears go away and all I’m left with is dread I don’t think I’ll get rid of anytime soon.
“Sorry, Idaline,” I say as I wipe the remnants of the tears away. “I’m good now.” As good as I’ve ever be from this point on.
“I don’t believe you, but okay.”
She gets a smile from me in appreciation. “Do you mind if I spend the night? Or later, you can take me to a hotel?”
“You can stay here. I don’t mind.”
“Thanks.” I lean back, finally getting comfortable on the couch. “So, you want to tell me why you’re still with your boyfriend?”
Idaline seems stunned for a moment that we’re clearly moving on and ignoring what just happened with me, but she gathers herself quickly. “I tried, but I had a panic attack, which made him think we shouldn’t and that he should come spend time with me that night. Maybe he deserves a chance to show me he isn’t that person. Or a chance for me to talk to him about his behavior next time he does something like that.”
This answer doesn’t work for me at all. “Okay,” I say anyway. “But answer me this: do you think he would react rationally if he walked in right now and found me here? Or do you think he’d go off and possibly get violent with me, or even you? If you truly believe the first one, then give him your second chance, but if even a little part of you thinks the second one, text him right now and end it.”
Idaline frowns. “Texting is a little rude and mean, isn’t it?”
“Who cares? You’re the one doing it.”
“I don’t want to talk about this tonight, FC.”
I nod and let it go. Resting my elbow on the back of the couch, I tap her temple. “How are you doing up here?”
“My anxiety has been a constant bother and I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I’ve had some rough depression days, too.” She smiles. “My therapist will be tickled to hear that we’ve met.”
