AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“You’re not reassuring me, FC,” she whispers.
“I’m sorry. Now isn’t a good time.” Primarily because I’m not okay. It’s fucking good to hear her voice, though. If I could fully relax into my seat, my body would do it in a heartbeat. “I’m okay. Not in a hospital.” Not anymore. “I’m not in jail.” Wonder if that’s Lila’s fate? “I’m actually on my way to see my parents.”
Each moment of silence stretches between us and pierces a hole in my heart, killing me because things still aren’t settled yet.
“Since you’re okay, I should go. Thanks for answering.”
“Take care of yourself, Idaline.”
Her voice is so soft now that I can barely hear her reply. “You too, FC. Goodbye.”
She hangs up and my defeat triples. Part of me wants Idaline back in my life, especially since it’s possible that Lila might officially be out of it, but at the same time, there’s a long fight ahead of me regardless and there’s some part of me that doesn’t want Idaline around for that.
“Idaline,” Dad says when I pull my phone away from my ear. “That’s your old pen pal, right?”
“Yeah,” I reply with a sigh.
“Your mom says you two are still real close.” When I don’t acknowledge him, he continues, “Why are you lying to her, son?”
I rest my head against the window, wishing I was facedown, drunk as hell, and in a bed somewhere. “For every reason I can think of to tell her, I can think of a reason I don’t want her to know. Not to mention, she doesn’t need to be weighed down by this. When Sawyer is all mine and everything is over, I’ll figure out a way to tell her.”
Dad lets me rest in peace the rest of the way to Raleigh. Lila calls my phone so many times, I eventually turn it off. The only people who should want to get in touch with me now, that I’ll want to talk to, is my family and I’m with them.
But peace isn’t really what I have. Injuries aside, my mind is a whirlwind of problems. Did Idaline sound happy enough? Should we have caught up since I had the opportunity? Is she still with Justin? And there’s the more important issues. What the fuck will happen now that I reported Lila for domestic abuse? How much harder will it be to get custody of my son once he’s born? What if Lila somehow makes it impossible for me to have anything to do with him because of what I’ve done?
“I need to go back,” I say as Dad parks in the driveway of my childhood home.
“FC,” he begins.
“No. I need to go back to Lila and fix this because if I don’t, there’s no telling what she’ll do. I’m not losing my son over a few slaps on the back.”
“The last thing you need to do is go back to her. A lot has happened since last night. You wanted to spend Christmas with us, so you should at least get some rest, sleep on it, and see how you feel tomorrow.”
That’s too much time. What if she decides to smoke or drink or dear god…what if she decides to hurt herself and in turn, harm the baby? Do I think she’ll do any of those things? I don’t know. I’d like to think not, but I also never thought she’d beat the shit out of me either.
I hold my hands out for my keys. Defeat passes over his face. “I’m going for a drive to think about it. I know exactly what y’all think and I just need some fucking peace. I’ll call you if I decide to drive back.”
Reluctantly, Dad hands over my keys and I get in the driver’s seat. Mom questions him the moment she sees me get back into the car. I can’t worry about her, though. I have my own life to worry about. My own messy, out of control life that seems as if it’ll never get straightened out and fixed.
Staying with my parents versus going back to Lila is most appealing because I’ll be able to relax for the first time in a while. I won’t have to worry about walking on eggshells, pissing someone off to the point of being hit, or random outbursts. But I don’t know what she’ll do and the only way to be assured Sawyer is okay is to be near her.
I wish I could fast forward to his birth and to me obtaining custody of him. That’s all I want, for both of us to be safe and happy. How much more hell do I have to endure to get that? What number of scars is the right number to have to make all of this end?
Instead of returning to Lila, I buy a pack of cigarettes and drive back to my parents’, smoking one along the way. Idaline chastises me in my head the entire time. She hates it when I smoke and she wouldn’t be happy to learn that I’m smoking again, but I need some kind of happy right now. I can’t drink. I can’t exercise. Smoking is all I have. This will be the only pack I buy, I promise to the Idaline talking to me in my head. Maybe I won’t even smoke all of these.
But it turns out I’m a liar, even to the Idaline in my head. I end up smoking two packs as my back slowly heals and I spend time with my family with only a short visit back home to file for a restraining order. My gut has done nothing but churn constantly with worry. Even when Lila finally stopped calling and texting due to being served with the order, my worry doesn’t lessen.
It’s New Year’s Eve and I’ll be returning home tomorrow. Apparently, since I live with Lila at the apartment and I’m the one who took out the restraining order, I can have her removed until the hearing. That’s what I’ll be doing until I can find an apartment. I’m not too worried about her since I know her parents will take her in and it’s not a permanent thing either.
However, being at my parents’ is making me antsy. Tomorrow can’t get here fast enough. Almost every night I’ve gone for a drive and I think I’ll do the same tonight. On the off chance that I decide to drive on back home, I sneak my bags into the trunk before letting my parents know I’m going out for another drive.
Hours later, I find myself in South Carolina. Once I realize where I am, I’m tempted to turn around and leave, but I find myself acting like a stalker. I park in the shadows far enough away from Idaline’s apartment and car that she shouldn’t recognize my car. My breath stalls when I see her step onto her front porch, Justin right behind her.
My soul sighs with happy relief, although I frown. It looks as if they’re arguing. Justin has his arms folded over his chest as he glares at Idaline, who has one hand propped on her hip while the other flies around, motioning and gesturing as she talks. Between how far away I am and how quiet they’re being, I can’t make out what the argument is about. It must be something serious to cause a tiff right after Christmas.
Carefully, I lean against my window, watch Justin shake his head, and then he leaves. Idaline hugs herself as she sees him go. She doesn’t go inside immediately. It looks as if she sighs and then she takes a seat on the porch steps. She should go back inside. It’s too cold to be out here, and why is she not going back in anyway? Idaline hugs her legs to her chest and rests her forehead on her knees. A truck comes into the parking lot and blocks my view. Damn it.
A guy gets out of the truck and it sounds like he’s talking. Once things go quiet, my stomach drops when Idaline walks around the truck toward me. It takes her knocking on my window before I open the door.
