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I still care for her, though. And I’ll be doomed if I let her suffer because of me. If Earl exposes us, her father might push her away definitely, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something like that happened.
There’s only one thing left for me to do: I’m going back to Rome.
I’m not exactly looking forward to going back to Europe, but what can I do? I came to the States to continue my father’s legacy and to guide the Donovans, but all I managed to do was make the situation ten times worse. Now that Earl has that recording, there’s no stopping him. And if I move against him… If I do that, he’ll expose me as a fraud and then he’ll have his father’s ear, and then… then he’ll be able to do with the company as he pleases.
I could stay, of course. But how would I do that? Every day I’m around her, all I want to do is lean in and kiss her, feel her body pressed tight against mine… The only way I’d be able to do that would be for me to play Earl’s little game, and that’s something I won’t ever do. I might've turned out to be a different man than the one I thought I was, but I won’t stoop that low. The Donovans were always good to me and my father, and I won’t repay their trust in us with a backstabbing move. Even if that costs me everything.
I only slow down as I see the Donovan Estate rise in the distance. As I take my foot off the pedal, I take one deep breath and try to think clearly. Driving up to the guest house, I park the car and walk inside. There, I go straight to my bedroom and take my official stamp from the Order out of one of the desk’s drawers.
Sitting down, I grab a blank piece of paper and a pen.
Dear Mr. Donovan, I start to write, please accept this letter of resignation from my current position as your adviser. I can only thank you for the opportunity to serve under a family such as the Donovans, but it’s my belief I’m not the most appropriate member of the Order to guide your family as of now. Once I get back to Rome, it’ll be my pleasure to assist you with the transition to another member of the Order.
All the best,
Connor.
I stare at the piece of paper in front of me for God knows how long. Sighing heavily, I reach for my stamp and dip it into the ink box I have by my side. I press the stamp hard over my letter, imprinting my personal sigil from the Order on the paper.
"It’s done," I mutter to myself, carefully folding the envelope and placing it in the inner pocket of my jacket.
I spend the next hour packing up my briefcases; lucky for me, I don’t have many possessions, and so it’s a fairly easy ordeal. Once that’s done, I take one deep breath and prepare myself mentally to deliver my letter of resignation to Jonathan. Marching out of the house, I start making my way toward the mansion up on the hill.
I’m almost halfway through the winding path when I start remembering the way I treated Clarise back at the cemetery. Her sad eyes, the frustration in her voice… That was probably our last time together, and I treated her so fucking harshly.
No, I can’t leave like this.
Stopping dead in my tracks, I take my phone out of my pocket and look for her name on the contact list.
Can you meet me at the chapel? I need to see you, I type, and then send her the text. Not entirely sure if it’s a good idea, I turn my back to the mansion and start making my way down the path, heading toward the chapel.
As I approach it, I can’t help but remember my first time with Clarise in there. I felt so bad after it was over but, at the same time, I don’t think I've ever felt anything quite like what I was experiencing. It was Heaven and Hell at the same time and, for the first time in a long time, I felt truly alive.
I stop right in front of the door and push it open, blinking as my eyes adjust to the darkness inside. The darkness where my body and Clarise became one. The darkness where her moans cut through the silence.
I might be leaving for good, yes, but I won’t leave before I tell Clarise what she truly means to me. I have a lot of regrets in my life, and I won’t let her become another one.
And that’s because I love her more than anything.
30
Connor
There’s a deep silence in the chapel, one that blankets everything. My footsteps feel like gunshots as they echo through the aisles, and I almost feel bad for breaking that silence.
I sit there on the pews, right in front of the altar, and fold my hands over my lap. Closing my eyes, I let my mind drift off to all these moments I shared with Clarise, and how the world seemed so perfect whenever I had her in my arms…
Ah, if things were different! What I wouldn’t give for another chance at this. If I could turn back the wheels of time, I’d have pulled her into my arms the first time she appeared at the guest house, cradling an orchid. I’d surrender to lust and temptation right there and then, and I’d offer Jonathan a letter of resignation the following day.
But that’s the thing about love, if you miss it, you can only see it in the rearview mirror.
Will I ever feel something like it ever again?
No, let her go and you won’t ever love anyone in the same way, a small voice inside of me seems to say. And that voice is right, you know? Even when I was young, a true ladies man, I never fell for anyone. Love was nothing more than a comic book fantasy to me, something a marketing department invented to sell chocolates and lingerie.
When I was younger, I was all about the sex, about living fast and hard… I spent my first few years as an adult living the life, and I never found anything that I could point at and say "that’s love."
No, I’m lying… When my father told me stories about my mother, that was love. I can’t forget about the glint in his eyes whenever he started telling me the story about how they met, and how my mother was the most beautiful woman in the world… Even after so many years without her, he still loved her deeply.
