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‘Yes, you are.’ He lifted his head, his eyes the same dense, dark, concentrated green as the totara’s foliage. ‘You have this rosy vision of what motherhood is going to be, that once you have your baby your life is going to be complete, a charmed little circle of perfect happiness. But life isn’t that neat and tidy. Motherhood is only part of being a woman. What about the rest of you? You can’t live only through your child; it’s not good for the child or for you. You have needs, powerful adult desires, emotional and physical, that have nothing to do with your maternal feelings. You need someone in your life who can satisfy those needs, who can give your life balance and perspective.’
His stunning words battered at her brain, filling her with such dread hope that Jennifer felt sick. She pulled out of his arms and moved over to pick up her hat, brushing off the leaves which clung to its woven surface.
‘And where do I find this paragon of fulfilment?’ she asked unevenly, as she turned back.
He looked away from her, his profile rigid, and for one awful instant he looked as horribly aloof as he had in London. But then he looked back, and she saw the fierce determination in his gaze as he said roughly, ‘What you and I have—it’s been good for both of us—I don’t want it to end...’
She let out a gusty little sigh. ‘Neither do I,’ she admitted with grave caution, detecting the hint of resistance in his words. He didn’t sound too happy about whatever it was he was going to suggest. Perhaps, like her, he was conscious of the horrendous complications involved.
But she had misjudged him, because he pounced, seizing her hands and saying eagerly, ‘Then come back with me to London, Jennifer. Don’t let this end here. Come and live with me and let me prove to you how happy we can be—how well we can complement each other in so many ways. As companions, lovers, partners, professional colleagues, friends...parents...’ His voice deepened to urgency as he felt her fingers tense in his grasp.
‘I know you were homesick last time you were there, but this time it’d be different—I’d make sure you’re never lonely, and your life would be so filled to the brim with new experiences you’d never get the chance to be bored. And living with me you’d have the freedom to truly be yourself, to be able to do and be whatever you want. You could write to your heart’s content until the baby’s born, and then, if that’s what you want, you could be a full-time mother, or let me look after our baby while you write...’
It sounded idyllic.
Come and live with me.
With Rafe, Jennifer could do and be whatever she wanted, he said...
But for one notable exception.
No matter how much she wanted it she couldn’t be a wife.
And she had noticed that although he had spoken very passionately and persuasively, it had all been about the practical advantages of her going to live with him, nothing of his own feelings. Love was obviously not one of his fine inducements...
Jennifer’s sickness heaved like hot lava into the back of her throat, and then died away again in a burn of acid bile.
‘How long do you envisage the—arrangement—lasting?’ she asked thinly.
His urgency dimmed, his eyes shuttering. ‘I hadn’t thought about imposing any time limit. I suppose—for as long as you were happy... naturally, I wouldn’t expect you to stay with me if you were miserable,’ he added stiffly.
Naturally. Just like his last ‘companion’! And again, no mention of his feelings. For a man who normally flaunted a painful frankness, it was a telling omission.
‘What would people say about your suddenly shacking up with your pregnant stepmother?’ she asked crudely, pulling her cold hands from his.
‘Who cares what other people think?’ he said, thrusting his empty hands into his pockets, cynical lines carving into his narrow face. ‘The witches might try to give us a hard time, but I’m more than a match for anything they can dish out, and they’re hardly going to rock the boat and risk tying up Sebastian’s estate even longer, or alienating you as a Jordan trustee. If you’re worried about gossip, don’t be. London is very definitely not a small town, and I live a pretty private life these days—most people wouldn’t even know, let alone care what you and I do together.’
He hunched his shoulders and tilted his head, striving to lighten a conversation which had somehow gone bewilderingly wrong, seeking an answering glimmer of amusement in her eyes as he said, ‘Besides, as you took such convenient advantage of yourself, we have the same surname, so most people we meet as a
couple will probably simply assume we’re married to each other—we don’t ever have to mention our convoluted family history.’
His attempt fell aggressively flat. ‘So we’d live the lie over there, too. Although we wouldn’t be married you’d be quite happy for people to think we were. Isn’t that rather hypocritical of you?’
His eyes narrowed, his head jerking straight. ‘Is that what this is all about, Jennifer? Marriage? You’ll sleep with me for a few nights but you won’t commit to me in any other way unless I ask you to marry me? What kind of twisted morality is that?’
‘I never expected a marriage proposal from you. I never would,’ she said proudly, the bitter truth of it blazing in her eyes. ‘But the whole point of my getting married to Sebastian was to make having my baby respectable. If I moved in with you that would all be destroyed.’
‘Being married is no guarantee of respectability these days.’
‘It still is to my mother.’
‘And your mother thinks we’re married already.’
He was cutting away at her objections one by one. Soon he would be down to the quick. God, if he discovered how she felt about him he would know it was only a matter of time before he was able to wear her down. But no matter how much she was tempted, how could she make a genuine commitment to a man who didn’t love her? And how could she project emotional security for her child if she didn’t feel any herself?
‘You said you didn’t want to be trapped into a relationship by a pregnant woman,’ she reminded him acidly.
He stepped forward and cupped her face, ignoring her stiff resistance, his thumbs smearing the bitter words from her lips as he replied with restrained ferocity. ‘Damn you, I was speaking about the past. This is my choice, not a trap I’m stumbling blindly into. Getting to know you these last few days has meant getting to know my baby too, accepting that I don’t want to back away from the excitement of nurturing a new life.’ He slid his hands down to her stomach under her padded jacket. ‘This baby is an intrinsic part of who you are, of who I am. How could I want you and not want the baby too? I’m not anything like Sebastian. I could be a good father if you’ll give me the opportunity...’
