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“I just feel so vulnerable. So much of what I am now is wrapped up in you, and it scares me to death.”
I rub circles on her back. “I’m just as tangled up in you, April Fosse.”
I use her new last name as a reminder of our marriage, of our commitment to one another.
“This is new for me as well, but nothing terrifies me more than the thought that I can lose you at any second. I know you struggle with trust, but I swear I’ll never do anything to hurt you.”
I pull back, urging her face upward and wipe some of the tears from her face. I need her to look me in the eyes, to see my truth if she can’t believe it falling from my lips.
I lower my head, brushing my lips against hers, and it crushes me when she doesn’t kiss me back. I persist, angling my mouth to take hers, and finally, she begins to let me in, her mouth parting so I can slip my tongue inside.
It takes seconds before I feel some of the tension leave her shoulders, and I know I have her when we’re like this together, when she can turn her mind off and just feel me, feel the way I care for her and treasure her. The doubts don’t bubble to the surface until we’re apart and there’s a little distance between us.
I know it’s selfish, but it’s just not enough for me. I need all of her. I would have preferred her to have stormed out of the kitchen into the backyard, reading the situation wrong, and telling Nova to step back from her man. I despise that her first reaction is to curl up and second-guess everything we have because she thought I was smiling at some other woman.
“Do you need space to figure all of this out?” I ask although it’s the last thing I want.
Her tears fall harder, and no amount of wiping them away seems to be helping.
“I was owned by Charles Knight, and now I feel owned by you. I’ve never been my own person. I couldn’t stand on my own two feet right now if I wanted to.”
“Do you need to explore other options?” That question kills me to ask, but I won’t trap her in something she’s not dedicated to. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us.
“I feel lost and a little crazy. I don’t know if I need time to myself or not, but I couldn’t take it if I did because I’m certain you’re going to find someone else. I know that’s selfish.”
“Be selfish, baby.” I cup her jaw. “Even if you need time, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to go out and look for someone because you’re trying to figure out what you want in life.”
Her eyes search mine, a soft sigh coming from her lips.
“I’m just acting stupid and hormonal. Just ignore me.”
“I won’t,” I tell her, inching back when she reaches for me. “I’m not going to discount your feelings. I don’t know how to prove to you how much I care, but I’m going to try every single day to make sure you know how loved you are.”
I pull her to my chest once again, rocking her for long minutes until her tears dry up. Eventually, we end up lying on the bed, and we never make it back outside for the Fourth of July celebration.
Chapter 29
April
I know I overreacted yesterday, and I know it’ll happen again. I also know I have to focus on the now instead of things that haven’t happened.
Nate has done nothing to make me doubt him. My doubts stem from the pain I’ve suffered in the past, and I wish I could just take an eraser to all that pain and wipe it free from my memory, but I can’t. I still feel unsettled. He said a lot of things yesterday—everything I wanted and needed to hear—but I still feel unsettled. I don’t know if it’s because I made a stink about nothing or if it’s because of those ghosts in my past warning me.
Nate isn’t touching me, whereas there hasn’t been a morning in recent history where I don’t wake up with his arms around me. Did he have time to think about what happened yesterday, and now he’s made up his mind that this just isn’t working? I know he could have had that woman last night if he wanted her. I know she would’ve been easier for him, less baggage, less need for reassurance and emotional support. Maybe I’m too complicated, too much work, and he knows that now.
Tears don’t even have the chance to sting my eyes, because I have no hope of holding them back. I try to cry silently, but my body shakes, my sobs buried in my pillow.
