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“So it could work? We could get married?” She seems hopeful, her face lighting up the way it did the day we told her she never had to go back to the cult she was raised in.
I hate being the man that’s going to crush her spirit.
“M-Married?” I stammer.
I know she said she can’t have a baby out of wedlock, but I seem to be a little slow on the uptake right now.
“I have nowhere else to go.”
“You can stay here,” I promise, although I know I’m not the one who can give that permission.
“My grandparents kicked me out when they found out about the baby,” she continues, as if I hadn’t made her another promise.
Maybe she no longer believes the words I tell her.
“They said vile, horrible things to me.” Refreshed tears swim in rivulets down her cheeks, and I fight the urge to pull her to my chest and offer her the world.
I know it seems crazy that a twenty-six-year-old man is actually considering her offer, but I always knew any children I would raise wouldn’t be biologically mine. I accepted it long ago, and despite my crazy life and the ease I’ve practiced in sleeping with a wide variety of women, it grew old long ago. Those women were a mere stopgap until I found something more serious.
“Just to clarify,” I begin. “You want me to marry you and claim your baby as mine? You want me to be in a relationship with you and raise your child? You want to be a family?”
My heart stops beating while I wait for her answer, and as time ticks by, I can see the indecision she’s struggling with. She doesn’t want any of that. She wants to save face. She wants to cover a mistake, and I’m the catalyst to help make that happen for her.
I feel used, a tattered replacement for the man she really wants. I can admit it stings. I can also acknowledge that I’m no longer holding on to a hard no.
“There’s more to just saying yes to you.”
I search her eyes, trying to figure out if this is some whimsical request, if this request she’s making is spur of the moment or if she’s actually thought this through.
I don’t imagine she’s considered the repercussions or has the same questions I have running through my head right now.
Would Kincaid even allow this to happen? I get that we’re both technically adults, but bringing a teenage baby momma into the clubhouse is a little different from falling in love and having that significant other share Cerberus space.
I also realize that I kind of want what she’s offering. I want a family. I want to stop living from one warm body to the next. Honestly, I’ve wanted it for longer than I’d like to confess. I thought I was going to have that with Izzy and little Andy. I didn’t love her as more than a friend, but love grows, right? With enough nurturing and proximity, things could’ve changed. Drew coming back into her life changed all of that, and I’m happy for them. I really am, but it kind of put a damper on my own plans.
Those hopes and wishes were so long ago. I had drowned that ambition under so many women since then, all substitutes for what I really want out of life. It’s hard watching all the men you trust and respect fall one by one, succumbing to incredible women, without wanting a little piece of that myself. I’m envious of those men and their relationships, of their growing families and the pride that sparkles in their eyes when they look at their kids. Honestly, it’s become nearly unbearable.
Would agreeing to do this mean my time with Cerberus is over? Am I willing to sacrifice my future to give her what she wants?
There are a million questions, each one more unanswerable than the last.
“Okay.”
Her eyes dart up to mine, as if staring at me will allow her to determine if I’m sincere.
“Okay?”
I nod, my heart banging against my ribcage in an unsteady rhythm.
“You’ll marry me?”
I nod again, the action the only thing I can manage right now.
I feel a little mad, the insanity of doing this making warning bells go off in my head. I shove them all down and give her the best smile I can manage.
“You’re sure? You want to raise my baby as your own?”
“I will,” I say, because I don’t want to lie to her.
Want and ability aren’t the same thing, but the outcome can still have the same results.
“If it’s what you really want, but you need to know that Cerberus won’t turn you away. They don’t have the same views you’re using for reasoning right now. No one here will look down on you for being pregnant and not married. You’re Cara’s sister. She’s part of the Cerberus family. That makes you part of the Cerberus family.”
