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No, everything wasn’t okay. She was trapped in bed, desperately holding on to a fragile baby in her belly, and had no idea what she’d do after the baby was born.
“I don’t know. I guess.”
“You could still tell him,” Maddie suggested. “Mark doesn’t even know he’s going to be a father. He might be here.”
“He made his choice,” Laura snapped, feeling that old sense of betrayal. “I don’t want the baby to change that. He should be here for me. I should be enough.” Laura sighed. “But nobody thinks I’m enough.”
Maddie sat on the side of the bed, near Laura’s knees. “You know that’s not true. I think you’re more than enough sister. I don’t think I could handle more sister.”
Laura laughed ruefully. “You don’t count.”
“I don’t?” Maddie feigned outrage. “I’m taking back this grilled cheese then.”
“No!” Laura grabbed a sandwich half and took a big bite. “I’m starving,” she mumbled, mouth full.
“I thought so.” Maddie chuckled. Then she studied her sister. “You know, you keep talking about how you think you’re not good enough for Mark. That that’s why you’re afraid to tell him. But deep down, I don’t think that’s why you’re so determined to keep this pregnancy a secret.”
“I’m determined because what if I lose the baby? Maddie, what’s the point of telling him if there’s no baby? The doctors said I’m not out of the woods yet.” She ate two more bites of sandwich.
“Nope. I don’t think it’s that, either. I think you’re not sure he’s going to be a good father.” Maddie stared at Laura. “I think this is about you being worried that maybe he’s not ready, maybe he’s not fit to be a dad or maybe he’s just so wrapped up in his son’s death that he can’t focus on what it means to be a father now.”
Laura stopped chewing. Was her sister right? Maybe. She was worried about Mark’s commitment—to her and to a baby. She realized her decision not to tell Mark went deeper than she realized. But the bigger the baby grew inside her, the more she began to doubt her original decision.
“Mark has only called a handful of times,” Laura pointed out. “And he hasn’t even left a message.”
“He’s at sea, like you said, with no cell phone reception.”
“Yes, but why did he leave so quickly? He was sure quick to head out without me. This is what he wanted—living his dream, sailing around the world. It turns out that I wasn’t really a part of his future.” The sadness of this fact weighed heavily on Laura’s shoulders. That was the true heartbreak of it all. Mark had rebounded so easily, and she hadn’t.
“You’re the one who told him breaking up was for the best.”
“He was supposed to fight for me, fight for us,” Laura pointed out.
“How’s he supposed to know that?” Maddie asked.
“He just is.” Laura sighed. He’d just let her go so easily. It was hard to get over, no matter how she tried.
“Maybe you need to ask yourself if you’re keeping this from him because you don’t think he loves you or because he hasn’t proven himself worthy of being the father to your baby.”
“He’s worthy,” Laura said, feeling sure he’d make a wonderful dad. He was patient, loyal and loving. But what about his depression? The fact that he was unnaturally obsessed with death, with meeting Timothy somewhere? A man who was ready to try to drown himself wasn’t father material. Those thoughts plagued her.
And as she thought about him being out to sea, she worried that he might not come back.
“You need your rest, and no stress remember? Let’s try not to think about him,” Maddie said. “What will be will be. How about a brownie? Fresh from the oven.” Maddie bustled out of the room and returned with a plateful of moist, chocolaty goodness.
“But the caffeine,” Laura worried.
“Is barely anything,” Maddie said. “Come on, you need this.”
Laura did. She was so grateful for her sister in that moment. “You know, I hope I’m half the mom you are. Mom would be so proud of you, Maddie.”
Maddie surprised her by getting choked up, her eyes moist with tears. “Thanks, sis.” She leaned over and gave Laura a hug. “Now eat that brownie. My orders. It’ll make you feel better.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
* * *
MARK STEADIED THE jib on the Timothy as he circled into port at Bora Bora. The sail had been long from Hawaii, and a small storm had blown him a little off course, but he’d arrived just a little worse for wear. He’d come for the annual big sailboat race. His boat wouldn’t be sailing, but it was one of the biggest sailing events in the Pacific, and anybody who was anybody would be there.
