Page 14 of Yesterday's Scars

Her success with all those boys had been too new, and she certainly hadn't felt like sleeping. She had crept out of the house and down to the cabin, and that was where Rafe had stormed in on her.

What had followed had been the most momentous experience in her entire life. She had never imagined that making love could be like that. But Rafe had made sure it was the height of enjoyment for her, caressing her body until there had come a point of no return.

There had been no feelings of guilt then, and she had spent the rest of the hours until morning in his arms. Morning had brought a return of reality, and any friendship that might have existed between them prior to that night had been sorely tested over the next few weeks. There had been only one course of action open to her, and Rafe had not opposed her desire to leave.

Now she knew why; Rafe had wanted her out of his life. It was almost as if he were blaming her for everything that had happened between them, whereas she had always believed it took the involvement of two for that sort of thing. Oh yes, she had encouraged him, but he hadn't exactly tried to resist her.

But now she had to get back to the house, she had already wasted half the allotted time Rafe had given her. She dressed hurriedly and made her way back up to the house and going to her bedroom.

Rafe didn't come to check up on her, probably because he knew she daren't oppose him, especially after their earlier encounter. In future she would avoid any risk of their letting things get out of control, she wouldn't let Rafe have the satisfaction of putting her down again.

Hazel had eaten quite a hearty breakfast, the lack of food from the previous day not being impaired by the upset of the night that had just passed. She hadn't seen anyone this morning, neither Celia nor Rafe, but perhaps that was as well in the circumstances. She wasn't up to facing either of them, but for completely different reasons.

Sara fussed around her during her meal, scolding her for not eating dinner the evening before. Hazel had managed to laugh and joke with the housekeeper as usual, but she was far from feeling her normal self. This was partly the reason she decided to spend the morning in Rafe's study typing his replies; it would keep her out of everyone's way.

But it appeared Celia had other ideas. She walked into the study about eleven-thirty, munching a crisp green apple. 'Hi,' she leant against the side of the desk. 'How are you today?'

'I'm fine,' Hazel said primly. 'Shouldn't I be asking you that?'

'Me? There's nothing wrong with me.'

'Oh no, of course there isn't.' Hazel sat back. 'You weren't the one involved in the fight.'

Celia laughed. 'No, your Carl was. He was quite magnificent, Hazel. He rushed to my defence like an angry child.'

'And got hurt for his efforts,' Hazel said disgustedly.

‘Oh, he didn't get hurt.' Celia came round the desk to look at the work Hazel was doing, still munching the apple. She looked away uninterestedly when she saw what it was. 'He's much fitter than any of my crowd could ever hope to be. No, I'm afraid .it was three of them that landed up in hospital. Carl is probably at home nursing a few bruises, but other than that he's none the worse for wear.'

'I don't suppose it occurred to you to find out if he is all right?'

'Why should I want to do that?' Celia sounded surprised.

Hazel shook her head in disgust. 'He did get hurt defending you.'

'Defending my honour,' Celia mocked. 'Little did he realise there wasn't much to defend. But I suppose I should call him, I wouldn't want to disillusion him.'

'I think it would take quite a lot to do that. He seems to have fallen hard.'

Celia smiled to herself. 'Yes, he does, doesn't he? Aren't you annoyed about that, Hazel? Not even a little bit?'

Hazel read through the letter she was typing, checking for mistakes. 'Not even a little bit, Celia,' she denied, looking up at her. 'Was I supposed to be?'

Celia shrugged. 'Not particularly. I quite like your Carl. At least he's a change. I found it quite exciting to be with the strong silent type.'

'Never mind the fact that you'll drop him just as quickly when he ceases to be exciting,’ Hazel said dryly.

Celia yawned boredly, 'I don't think that will be for some time yet. He's quite a man. I didn't get home until three o'clock this morning.'

Hazel's mouth curled back with distaste. 'Do you have to boast about your conquests?'

'I'm not boasting, Hazel, merely recommending. I didn't know if you might want him when I've finished with him.’

Hazel shuddered. 'Go away, Celia. You disgust me!’

'And your prudishness sickens me. Don't try and kid me you never have those sort of needs, because I know better.'

So did Hazel, after last night. 'If I do I don't feel the need to talk about them as you do.’

Celia walked to the door, throwing her apple core in the bin. 'That's what I thought, you're a prude.'

Hazel ignored her, continuing to type to shut out the other woman's mocking laughter as she left. She stopped typing as soon as the door closed, back-spacing to correct the mistakes she had just made in her anger.

God, she thought, how Celia annoyed! She was such a bitch. She was so complacent about the fact that she had slept with a man she had only known a few hours. And she obviously didn't really care a damn about Carl, poor man.

It was so unlike what she felt for Rafe that she couldn't relate to it. She had given herself only once in her life, to the one man she had ever cared about, the man she loved. Yes, she loved Rafe, loved him and knew he would never be hers.

Rafe had made: that very clear when they had met the day after they had made love, stating that it had all been a mistake and she must put it down to the fact that they had both been drinking. It had shocked her to think that he considered it had happened while she was in a drunken stupor. It hadn't happened for that reason at all, but because she loved him, had always loved him.

'What are you thinking about?'

Her head swung round at the sound of Rafe's voice. He had a habit of catching her unawares with her defences down. She shook her head. 'Nothing in particular,' she lied.

‘I see.' He walked over to the desk. 'So your thoughts had nothing to do with what Celia told you?'

'What Celia told me?'

Rafe nodded. 'She said you were very concerned for your young friend Carl, until she assured you he was all right. I wondered if the fight last night was troubling you.' He sat on the side of the desk looking down at her.

Hazel was conscious of the rise and fall of her breasts visible in the open neckline of her blouse. And she was breathing so hard too, his closeness unnerved her. But it certainly wasn't the fight of last night that was troubling her, it was what had so nearly happened between them later on.

She threw back her head, her breath catching in her throat as she looked straight into Rafe's deep blue eyes. She looked quickly away again. 'I wasn't concerned about Carl, but I thought Celia should be.'

'Really?' He spoke as though he doubted her. 'But she is. She's just going to telephone him now.'

Hazel didn't bother to tell him that it wouldn't even have occurred to his sister if she hadn't put the idea into her head. 'I see.' She bit her lip.

'You shouldn't let her see your jealousy. Hazel. She------'

'But I'm not jealous of her!' she interrupted. 'It doesn't bother me that she's going out with Carl.'

He shrugged. 'If you say so.'

'I do,' she said firmly.

'Your light was on late last night,' he went on. 'Couldn't you sleep?'

'How do you know my light was on? You didn't come and check up on me.'

'No, I didn't do that. But I knew you were back in the house.’

'How did you know that?’

‘I was in the study when you returned. Your light was still on when I came up to bed about four,' he explained.

She looked up at him. 'But your bedroom isn't even near mine.'

Rafe quirked a mocking eyebrow, his face devilish with the harshness of his expression. 'Perhaps I came to your room to continue our little scene of earlier.'

'But you didn't.'

He gave a harsh laugh, 'Of course I didn't. Because if I had come to your room last night that's exactly what would have happened. But I don't want a repeat of that, I want us to talk this thing out logically and then perhaps it won't happen again.'

'And perhaps it will,' she put in quietly. 'It was always there, this awareness between the two of us.'

'But we have to admit that that's all it is, just an awareness that results in pure lust. If it had been anything else you would have "rushed back here a year ago, concerned for my health.' He looked at her coldly now. 'But you didn't.'

'Oh, but------'

'And I wouldn't have been able to let you go out of my life for three years if I'd been in love with you,' he added cruelly. 'I wouldn't have been able to let you out of my sight.'

Hazel bit her bottom lip, her hurt at being sent away still as raw as it had been three years ago. 'But you did ask for me when you were ill. James told me.'

'What does that prove?- You're part of my family, Hazel, and I was hallucinating. I was probably remembering you as a shy ten-year-old, not a wanton eighteen-year-old who didn't want to get out of my bed.'

'Rafe!' Her pain showed in her cloudy brown eyes.

'Why baulk at the truth? What we had that night was beautiful. Perhaps that was the trouble. If it had been sordid, as it should have been, we could dismiss it from our lives,' he sighed. 'It was too damned good to forget.'

Hazel's mouth twisted. 'I wouldn't know, I have nothing to compare it with.' But she could certainly feel resentment for the women in his life who had given him the experience that bound her to him almost as much as her love.

'I find that very hard to believe,' he scorned. 'Yesterday you told me you could be pregnant by Josh.'

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