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“When are you going to get better?” Katie asked. “I miss going out drinking with you.”
I laughed. “I have to say, I’m getting tired of being sick too. I’m never usually sick for this long. And to make matters worse, I’ve had to add nausea to the list permanently.”
Katie frowned. “Are you nauseated every day?”
I nodded. “It’s a bitch.”
Katie hesitated a moment before she carefully said, “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”
My stomach dropped. I shook my head. “It can’t be, there is no way.”
“Well, at least you can cross that off your list.”
She carried on talking, but I barely heard what she said. In my mind, I did the math. I calculated when I’d had my last period. I tried to figure out how long it had been, but with everything going on, I hadn’t paid attention to my cycle. I had to anchor my last period to an event so that I could figure out the dates.
According to my calculations, it had been more than five weeks ago. Which meant I had missed a period.
My vision swam, and I suddenly felt lightheaded. This couldn’t be, could it? Every time we’d had sex, Brett had used a condom. I thought back to the first time how, when we had finished, everything had been messier than it should have been. Was it possible that the condom had broken? We had been in such a hurry to clean up and get out of the office before someone discovered us that I doubted Brett had paid attention. It wasn’t like I would have checked the condom either way.
My ears were ringing, and it was difficult to listen to what Katie had to say. It wasn’t impossible that I was pregnant, and now that I had worked out the dates, I was starting to panic.
“I have to get going,” I said to Katie toward the end of our lunch. I had tried to hold out as long as possible, but I couldn’t think straight anymore. I had to find out if I was pregnant or not, and right away. If I was pregnant with Brett’s baby, everything would change. Suddenly, my mom popped into my mind. She had told me my whole life how I had to make the right choices instead of throwing my life away by becoming pregnant too soon. Twenty-six wasn’t nineteen, but if the pregnancy was unplanned, did it really make that much of a difference? And with everything that Brett stood to lose? Was he going to stick around the way he had told me once, or was he going to disappear the way my father had? The way he had already done for a few days now?
“Are you okay?” Katie asked when I said goodbye.
“I’m just feeling really sick.” It wasn’t even a lie. I felt like I was going to throw up.
“Get your boss to give you a day off, you look like you need it.”
I nodded absently and walked out of the restaurant to my car. On the way, I stopped at the store and bought two pregnancy tests. When I was at the counter to pay, I felt self-conscious. I was sure everyone in the store would recognize me as the woman on the front page of the paper less than two weeks ago. I was sure they would shun me now for buying a pregnancy test. But it was all in my mind. Not even the cashier looked at me, and I walked out of the store as if I were any other ordinary person. How quickly the world moved on.
I still had half a day left at the office, so I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t wait to take the pregnancy test either. I had heard before that taking the test in the morning was the best, but I wouldn’t be able to hold out that long. I grabbed a bottle of water and headed to the ladies’ room.
After peeing on the first stick, I sipped water and tried not to throw it all back up. I was so nervous I didn’t know what to do with myself. I wished I could tell myself that I was being silly, that there was no way I would be pregnant. But I would only be lying to myself. It was possible that I was pregnant, and if that was the case, I had no idea what I was going to do.
When it was finally time to look at the first stick, after what felt like forever, I grabbed it and forced myself to look at the little window. I had to rip off the Band-Aid or I would never get there. It had a dark plus sign, and I felt like I was going to faint. Maybe it was a false reading, I thought. I hoped. I walked back into the stall and peed on the second stick. This time, I didn’t close the cap again without looking at it. I checked the test right away. Immediately, a dark plus sign showed up. I hadn’t even had to wait for the allotted time. There was no doubting the results—I was pregnant.
