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How do I catch up on decades of shared history?

I don’t think I can.

And I don’t know that whatever we attempt to build could ever compete with that.

Am I signing up to always feel like the second choice? In the end, I know they’d choose each other, so how can I be sure they’d also choose me?

I’d like to think I’m open to being in a throuple. I’ve never really cared strongly about marriage or the idea of being someone’s soulmate or anything like that. When I think about what I really want in a relationship, it’s to share the kind of love where our bond is the most important thing in our lives. I want to know without a doubt that we would do anything to be together.

I obviously didn’t have that with Harry. But would it ever be possible to have that with both Joey and Patrick? Could they put the relationship between the three of us above the one they’ve been building for decades?

I don’t know if my concerns are legitimate or internalized polyphobia or my own insecurities from the way things ended with Harry, so until I have time to actually figure that out—likely with a large glass of wine and Tara— I’m trying my very best to not let my worry show. I should focus on how great today has been and how amazing it is that these incredible men are inviting me into their lives at all.

They make it sound so simple. There’s been no hesitation from either of them, even before today, to hold hands, kiss, cuddle, all three of us together, even in public.

It’s so different from the cool affection I’d experienced with Harry. It wasn’t even hot and cold, it was just there. An automatic thing that we did because we were together. We held hands occasionally, said we loved each other, we had sex often enough; it was all fine. But it certainly didn’t feel like this week has with them. When Joey or Patrick hold my hand, rest theirs on my thigh, or wrap their arm around my shoulder, it doesn’t feel like an obligation; it feels like they want to keep me close, like they enjoy the reminder that we’re together. And the sex has felt like so much more than a means to get off. It’s like we can’t keep our hands off each other, like we can’t possibly get close enough, and the only way we can express our desperation is to bring the others as much pleasure as possible.

Is that just the novelty of our situation here, though? Or does it mean something more?

“Do you guys ever feel like roommates?” I blurt out.

“Umm,” Joey hums, glancing at Patrick. “I don’t think so. What do you mean by that?”

“I was just thinking about Harry. Not in a ‘I miss him’ way but just thinking how different it is with you guys. But you two have been married for, what, twenty years or so? I was just wondering if you’ve ever felt out of sync or like you just exist around each other.”

They both take that in for a moment before Patrick answers this time. “I think sometimes we can fall into that. Work picks up, or we fall into too much of a routine, but whenever we’ve noticed it, we address it. I think that’s partially why we’ve enjoyed the vacation rule so much over the years. If things ever felt like they were starting to get too ‘roommate-y’ as you put it, we’d make sure we did something about it.”

“Yeah, what Patrick said. There’s definitely stressful seasons in my job, and I try not to bring that home, but I can’t always help it. We always combat them quickly, though. Why do you ask?”

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around this being a date,” I admit. I don’t want to give away how deep my concerns go right now when this is so fresh, but I also can’t help but share some of my thoughts. “You two have always seemed like this perfect couple, and I know there’s no such thing as perfect, but I guess I’m just trying to picture what this would actually look like back in the city when we’re all working and dealing with real life.”

I stop myself from adding I’m struggling to picture where I would even fit in at the end, but I’m definitely thinking it.

“I wouldn’t say we’re perfect,” Joey responds with a laugh. “But the radical honesty does help us get through a lot, or at least I think it does. I’m sure that there will be a lot of adjustments to make when we get back home, but we can figure it out together if that’s what we all want.”

I smile and nod, even though I’m not convinced it would really be that simple.

“Joey’s really good at problem-solving,” Patrick adds, squeezing my thigh under the blanket. “And if the party we went to was any indication, I’m sure you are too. We’ll figure it out.”

I chuckle because I’m not sure that event planning skills transfer to being successful in a polyamorous relationship, but their confidence does ease my mind enough to let me focus on the moment as our food arrives. It’s delicious, and we all take turns sampling each other’s dishes before we compare memories of our worst holiday meals.

We spend the rest of the dinner laughing, and with my stomach full of warm wine and perfectly cooked Christmas ham, it’s easier to believe things might be as simple for the three of us as Patrick and Joey seem to think they could be.

I guess we’ll find out soon.

25

“Ican’t believe it’s our last night here,” I comment as I unlock the door to our cabin.

“Me either,” Scotty agrees with a sad sigh.

It’s been hard to get a read on him today. He seemed genuinely excited about the idea of dating us, despite his very understandable hesitation to agree, but then at dinner he mentioned his previous relationship with Harry and said our marriage seemed perfect from the outside. I’m still not sure if that was a good thing. He was pretty quiet on the ride home too; even if he’s been smiling and going along with everything we’ve said, I think he’s in his head more than usual.

Hopefully he isn’t having second thoughts, but I know the idea of the three of us being in a real relationship is still new to him since we literally only brought it up today. I need to give him time to process everything.

Maybe he needs a distraction, though, a reminder of how great the three of us are together.

“I did get Joey something for Christmas a while back that I haven’t given him yet. I think you’ll both enjoy it if you want to come upstairs with me.”