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She looked up, back where she’d come from. A steep, rocky slope covered in snow and ice led up from the small ledge.
Cold desperation crept into her.
She was alone.
Just like in the barn.
And no one was coming for her.
There were no walls and no locked doors, but she was trapped just the same.
Her lungs began contracting, and her fingers went as numb as her toes. Her stomach churned, bile rising in her throat.
She crawled towards the slope, away from the unforgiving vastness beyond the small rocky platform.
Even though this wasn’t a confined space, she felt more abandoned, more alone, more lost than ever before.
She was suffocating, her lungs struggling to get enough oxygen. Her head spun, and sweat broke through her skin even though she was ice cold. Everything around her was pressing in, burying her in desperation.
No one would find her.
No one was coming.
Just like those two terrible nights.
No one needed her.
No one was coming.
And then Craig’s voice came to her mind.
Ye lost yerself somewhere back in that barn… Ye must find yerself first.
She put her head between her knees and breathed.
Find herself first…
What had she lost in the barn?
She’d been sure her father and mother always had her back. That was a given. No matter how scared she was, how naughty, or how sick—her mom and dad were there for her.
Until her mom had died and left Amy, Jenny, and Dad alone. No matter how much Amy had needed her mom, Mom wasn’t there—and never would be.
And then her dad.
He’d changed, too. It was as though he, too, had disappeared and was replaced by someone else. From being a rock, a protector, a constant, he’d become a drunk. He’d stopped existing, lost in his oblivion. And instead of being a protector, he’d become an aggressor. He’d become the one who’d almost killed Amy.
So what had she lost in that barn?
Yes, she’d lost herself. The girl who’d believed that there was one person who would come no matter what. Who would be a rock no matter what. Who would love her unconditionally.
Instead, out of that barn had come a girl who was scared of life and who thought she didn’t deserve a person who loved her and would always be there for her. That what she deserved was to be abandoned, betrayed, and locked up. Left alone to die.
Tears burned in Amy’s eyes.
But now she knew that girl had gotten the wrong idea. She’d taken the fault on herself when it was her father who’d been guilty. Having no resources and no capacity to deal with the death of his wife, he’d taken a destructive route. A route that had not only destroyed him, but also threatened to destroy Amy’s and Jenny’s lives.
Amy felt sorry for him. He’d been a good man, but he hadn’t dealt with the grief, with the loss. And instead of searching for strength in his family, he’d looked for escape in a bottle.
