Page 21

Important.

That word lights up my brain like a meteor shower, the atoms inside my skull colliding and exploding with another wave of foolish hope.

Maybe there is a chance?

A chance that I didn’t break us beyond repair. A chance that one day he’ll look at me with softness in his eyes instead of molten aggression. That he’ll show me that smile, the one that presents all his perfect teeth and colors the high points of his cheeks.

I drop my gaze to where my fingers are furling and unfurling of their own accord. My hands are built to piece things back together, to fix things. So…what’s the harm in trying?

“I uh…I still have the hearse, you know,” I mutter, hoping he bites, that he remembers that date as fondly as I do.

I strung fairy lights up in the back of the hearse, made a fancy little snack board, and drove him out to a neighboring field. And then I gave him that necklace and kissed him until he was brave enough to let my fingers into his body, let me touch him and teach him how to wreck himself. That was the first time I wanted to tell him I loved him.

“Really? That piece of crap is still going?” he fires out, defenses slamming my sentimentality back down as he nudges the bell jar to the corner of his desk.

“It’s important to me,” I throw his own words back at him. “Holds a lot of memories.”

And every single one of them fucking kills me.

Chapter Ten

Sunday

Thank fuck it’s Friday.

My attempt to apologize to Bellamy only seemed to piss him off further, and he made excuses to avoid me for the rest of his first week.

I may have found some unnecessary paperwork just to try to spend more time in his orbit. Unfortunately, the longest conversation we had was during an end-of-week meeting Lara stuck us in. Even then, our interactions were stilted.

“You can talk to me about it, you know.” Lara’s voice pulls me from my very serious task—staring solemnly out the rain-spattered window of her car.

“About what?” I grumble, giving her side-eye.

She flicks on her blinker as we come off the interstate toward our adventure for the evening.

It wasn’t long after I’d met her that she persuaded me to help with her urban exploration media channel. I suppose there are worse things than being known as “hot tattoo guy” on the internet.

“Whatever it is you have going on in that big heart of yours,” she says.

Gag.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.” I try to sink farther into my seat, which is pretty hard considering my knees are already crushed against the glove compartment.

She drops it, but only until we pull up to the edge of the woods twenty minutes later.

I shiver. I’m well versed in sneaking between trees, but these give me the creeps. They possess a kind of darkness that swallows even the brightest moonlight.

Lara half-turns in her seat toward me and places her hand on my leg. She’s one of the few people I can handle touching me without warning. “I know it’s not very metal to show your feelings, but it’s clearly eating you alive.”

Said feelings have me popping the door open and stomping to the trunk. I pull my bandana over the bottom of my face and tug my baseball cap low. Behold, I am hidden.

“Sunny, come on. It’s just like when you were freaking out over that date with the veterinarian guy. You know you’ll feel better for letting it out.”

Fucking hell. I know she’s right but putting my thoughts into words is hard when I’m still trying to work them out myself.

I clip my camera to my body harness while Lara fiddles with the small handheld tripod, working side by side in silence until I find the courage to speak. “We, uh…me and Bellamy, we were together for a while at UPenn,” I start, swinging my backpack onto my shoulders. “I guess…he was my first love?”

First, only. Same difference.