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I lay him in his crib and rock it gently until he settles. When I look up, I find Lick watching me instead of Kendrick for a change. “What?” I wipe my face in case I have something on it, but he continues to stare at me for a moment.

“I’ll make us something to eat.” He walks away, leaving me frowning. With how stilted things are between us, I don’t feel I can press him on it. Instead, I stand there biting my lip, unsure what the hell I’m supposed to do now.

When my phone chimes, I practically dive for it, just needing something to occupy myself with. I open the family chat Sophie made for me, her, and Danny.

Is he home yet? Can I come visit?

I smile at Sophie’s excitement. Six months ago, I never dreamed that this would be a possibility, but I guess I underestimated my kids in the same way they underestimated me. One thing is for sure—they love their brother. Sophie has thrown herself into being a big sister almost from the start. Dan was more unsure, but I walked into the NICU the other day to find him rocking Kendrick and singing, a Taylor Swift song of all things, to him. I snapped a dozen pictures before he caught me and rolled his eyes, something that reminded me of the teenage version of him.

Speak of the devil. Before I can reply, Danny does.

Give them a couple of weeks to get settled, at least, sis.

Ugh, I hate it when you’re the voice of reason, she replies, making me chuckle.

I love that you want to see him, lord knows I miss you both too, but Danny’s right, give us a little time to get him settled, and then you can come see him as much as you want.

The little dots appear as she types, so I keep the phone in my hand as I wait for her reply.

Okay fine. That just gives me more time to shop for him.

I shake my head as Lick walks back into the room with a sandwich and hands it to me.

“Eat this and put your feet up for a minute. Shit, I forgot a drink. Be right back.” He walks away, barely making eye contact. The stupid part of my brain whispers that this is what I’ve been waiting for—for him to lose interest now that Kendrick is home.

I’m staring at the sandwich like it’s laced with arsenic when he returns and places a bottle of apple juice on the coffee table in front of me. “You need to eat.”

I swallow and look up at him. “Sorry. I guess I’m not really that hungry.”

He sighs and sits on the table in front of me. “Talk to me. If something’s wrong, you need to tell me.”

“You mean like you’ll tell me when something’s wrong with you?”

“That’s different.”

I huff out a laugh, one that doesn’t sound the least bit amused. “Of course it is.”

He runs his fingers through his hair before he locks his eyes on mine. “You want to know what I’m thinking? Fine. I’m thinking about how to let you know that we’ll be sharing a room tonight. More to the point, sharing a bed, because I want to be in the same room as Kendrick when he wakes up. Fuck it, it’s more than that. I want to be lying next to you, breathing you in, knowing you’re safe because I can’t get over how close I was to losing you. I still dream about it every night.”

“Yeah, I remember what that felt like. I think that was the first time I realized I loved you, though I wasn’t ready to admit it even to myself. When you pulled through, I swore I’d leave all my reservations behind. But you just kept pushing me away, and like an idiot, I stayed. I should have listened, and then I wouldn’t feel so fucking bruised all the time. Every time I close my eyes, I see her touching you, and I hate it. You think I like being haunted by your fucked-up attempt at being noble? I don’t. I just don’t know where we go from here.”

“I’m not asking you to. I deserve your anger, but I’m not sleeping alone tonight. Every time I think about it, I start to lose my damn mind.”

I hold up my hand to stop him. “I get it. I wouldn’t be able to sleep if Kendrick was in another room either, so I won’t fight you on it. But this doesn’t mean everything is miraculously fixed between us.”

“I wouldn’t dream of thinking that,” he says, and then he goes and ruins it all by kissing me.

42

Lick

Iknow I’m pushing her boundaries, but I can’t find it in me to care. Something tells me that if I don’t push, we’ll stay stuck in the twisted game of tug-and-pull we’ve found ourselves.

She didn’t slap me, so I took it for a win. And she didn’t stop me from climbing into bed beside her that night, or any of the subsequent nights after. As the days roll into weeks, the tension eases between us.

I’ve made a lot of really stupid fucking decisions lately to not recognize how lucky I am right now. My boy is fast asleep in his crib, my woman is wrapped in my arms, exactly where they should be. We’re not fixed yet, far from it, but we’re feeling a lot less broken than before.

Perhaps that’s why I’m lying here fighting to stay awake, so I don’t miss a thing. My fingertips skim up and down her arm, leaving goosebumps in their wake. Even in sleep, she isn’t immune to me. Eventually, sleep pulls me under, but it’s not long before I hear Kendrick stir.