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“Okay,” they said, sounding audibly calmer. “Wrong how?”
“They’re doing this weird… thing. Moving in a strange pattern.” I leaned closer to the mirror. “Like… flexing back and forth without stopping, but not in the usual way. And my tail…” I peered back at my tail, which was swaying side to side. “My tail is moving around a lot too. What the fuck, dude?” I gripped the phone tighter to my ear. “Is something wrong with me? Is this a sign of something bad?”
“Look, calm down.” Their voice grew distant, and I realised they’d put me on speakerphone when they said, “I’ll just look it up.”
“Don’t fucking look it up!” I hissed. “Everyone knows that’s a terrible idea! It’s going to tell you I have, like, an hour left to live or something!”
“Relax, bro,” they drawled. “Okay, here’s something.”
They went quiet as they read whatever they’d found. I shifted anxiously from foot to foot, prodding at my face spikes. When I heard Laki snort, my spine went ramrod stiff.
“What does it say?” I asked immediately.
“Nothing bad,” they assured me, amusement colouring their tone. “Apparently it’s, uh, like a mating signal.”
I froze, staring at my reflection. “Huh?”
“Yeah. According to this medical journal, it’s ‘an involuntary response that can happen in a demiurgus when they are deeply attracted to someone and have begun to form a strong romantic bond with them. It’s believed to mainly happen when the demiurgus isn’t sure if the bond is reciprocated’,” they read out. “So… it’s basically an assertive demiurgus way of letting someone know you’re into them if you’re not sure whether they’re into you back.”
I let out a strangled, slightly hysterical laugh. “Bullshit.”
“That’s what it says, dude.” Their voice turned sly. “So, what were you doing right before it started happening?”
My ears went wild. “I was just…”
Losing my mind while Anita gave me a tailjob and introduced me to my prostate.
“I have company over, if that’s what you’re insinuating,” I said stiffly, staring at my still-flexing face spikes in despair.
“Uh huh,” Laki drawled, then snorted again. “This article says it’s similar to the mating dances of the birds of paradise in Papua New Guinea. You know, the little birds with the cool plumage that will hop side to side and stuff to attract a female.”
“What?” My nostrils flared in outrage. “I’m nothing like a fucking… horny little bird!”
“Dude, it’s a compliment. Birds of paradise are fucking spectacular. We watched that documentary, remember? They’re awesome.”
“I don’t give a shit about the birds, Laki!” I hissed. “I can’t go back out there like this! What if Anita knows about the stupid bird thing? How do I get it to stop?”
There was a pause, before—
“So you’re with Anita, huh?” Laki drawled with a smirk in their voice.
I squirmed. “Shut up, dude. You’re supposed to be helping me!”
“Well the article doesn’t say anything about how to make it stop…” They sounded doubtful. “It’ll probably just stop on its own. You know, once your hearts aren’t all aflutter at the sight of your human lady.”
“My hearts are not all aflutter!” I grated indignantly. “My hearts are totally chill. Beating normally. It’s probably just… She gave me a prostate massage!” I blurted without thinking. “It’s probably just that. A new experience and…”
“Dude, come on. Fewer details, please.”
My ears fluttered. “I’m just saying, it’s probably just… my body reacting. To that. Right?”
They were silent for a moment. “I mean, I doubt it, but… maybe?”
“I’m not forming a”—I forced out a snort—“‘strong romantic bond’ with Anita. We’re just… messing around. Scratching an itch. It’s purely physical.”
“Sure,” they said slowly. “Well, by the sounds of it you’re, uh, done for today, so in that case she’ll probably just leave and she won’t see your mating signals anyway.”
“They’re not mating signals!” I hissed furiously, glancing at the bathroom door.
