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But I don’t let it free. I go through the internal battle to stuff it back down. The pained look in Bry’s eyes shows me I haven’t quite succeeded.

“No,” Nate grunts, his arms tightening around me.

I wriggle and push myself free.

“I need the space,” I scold. “I need to not be suffocated, to be alone.”

Their faces all look broken, hurt even, and a dark, twisted part of me is satisfied that they feel a fraction of what I feel. Because everything inside me aches. Beneath my skin, every part of me is shredded agony, and I’m alone in it.

“Rosy,” Noah starts.

“Please.”

Bry swallows loudly, his eyes sliding away from me and fluttering quickly. I look away too, unwilling to see the pain I’m inflicting.

I want them to hurt, but I don’t want to be the one doing it.

“Okay.” Noah sighs heavily. Maxi makes a noise in protest, but Noah squeezes his arm softly. “We’ll be here if you need us,” Noah promises.

They get up, their movements too slow yet too quick at the same time. My mind’s panicking about the idea of being alone, yet I so desperately need it at the same time.

Max lifts my chin, his brows furrowed as he watches me, then places a firm, urgent kiss on my lips. “We can kick the others out and hide away, just the two of us?”

I close my eyes, unable to answer, then he sighs again and leaves.

“Nate,” I whisper.

His silent refusal to acknowledge my request for space is louder than any words. Usually his steadfast, unwavering presence is what I crave to fall back on, but right now, him being here means I can’t fall and break apart like I need to.

I need him to let me go, to let me scatter into pieces.It’s too exhausting and painful trying to hold everything together for them. The times I have fractured in front of any of them, I’ve still been all too aware of their watchful gazes.

“Nate,” I plead, and a tear escapes.

He growls, abruptly getting off the bed and storming to the door. His heavy footfalls thud through the room, but just as he reaches for the handle, he spins and marches back to me. Threading a hand through the hair at my nape, he tugs my head back sharp enough to shock me with a gasp.

“Me leaving is only for you, not because I want to. I’m trying to bend for you, but you’re making it so fucking hard when you need me. The last time you needed space, you fucking disappeared, so don’t keep asking me to leave you. Next time, I’m going to stop listening and do what I know you need. Stay.”

He moves in quickly as my mouth falls open to take the opportunity and tangle his tongue with mine, consuming me until neither of us can breathe.

I pull back from the kiss and whisper, “Thank you.”

He grunts, then releases the punishing grip on my hair and stalks out.

The door closes behind him, and the silence sits expectantly around me. I take a shuddering breath and sink back into the bed. My body trembles as the emotions build, tearing through me, wanting to be released. I let the silent sobs vibrate through me. Fisting the sheets, my mouth opens as I pant through the ugly, gritty shame expanding and consuming me. The guilt, the anger, the agony, the exhausted melancholy…they all pile in, weighing heavier and heavier.

I can’t keep pushing them away.

I can’t keep living and not living.

Fighting and cowering.

I’m stuck bouncing between one and the other, unable to move forward, only to be pushed backwards.

My hand raises to wipe away the streaks of moisture coating my cheeks, but I pause, staring at it when the too-familiar shame slithers back in. I hate that it bothers me, that I can’t stop the thoughts of disgust every time I look at any part of my body. He touched me. He broke me, and now there’s just this damaged shell left behind that I don’t recognise anymore.

If I can’t love me, how can anyone else?

I let my hand drift down to the pillow. My eyes remain fixed on it as time passes, unable to drift back off to sleep. It feels a blessing to not have to deal with any more nightmares by myself.