Page 48

We’re both crying by the time I finish, and my hand pulses with the need for her to let go.

“Have they managed to get any closer to finding him yet?”

All the muscles in my body lock up, and fear pulses through my bloodstream.

“No,” I whisper, subtly tugging my hand free to wipe my eyes. “They haven’t told me much, just that they’re looking.”

“I can’t believe you had to go through all of that. And you’re still functioning as a human being.” Steph sniffs loudly, and I choke on a laugh.

“I’m not. Noah washes my hair and makes sure I’m hydrated all day. Bry cooks meals and snacks for me, and Nate makes sure I eat. They all sleep in here with me, so I don’t sleep alone. They’re all always watching me. How’s that for functioning?” I sigh, heavy under the weight of my inadequacy. I don’t want them to have to take care of me so much, yet at the same time, I don’t want them to stop.

“And Max?”

I wince. “That’s…complicated.”

“Not sure how. You’re the one who went through all of that,” she pushes.

I get it. I do. But whatever I’m going through doesn’t change what he’s feeling.

The world won’t stop for me to be the only one to fall apart.

“They were the ones frantically trying to find me. Max and I haven’t had the easiest start together, even if as friends he was the easiest to be with. We’d barely moved past that, deciding to explore something between us, before this happened, and now it feels as though he’s struggling just as I am.”

I bite down on my lip, sucking it in to contain the words I feel too guilty about.

She arches an eyebrow. “Tell me?”

“It’s awful to say.” I shake my head, not wanting to admit any of my thoughts out loud.

“Faye wanted to use the toilet whilst I was showering the other day. I told her no because I’m not ready to cross that boundary yet. What I didn’t tell her is that the smell of other people’s pee makes me gag.” Steph’s nose scrunches in disgust.

A flicker of a smile warms me. “I mean, that explains so much with us only having one bathroom at our place.” I laugh, and it feels a little easier when I confess to her, “Seeing Max struggling makes me feel a little less alone. Like it’s okay for me to find existing so hard because he is too. I know what we’re feeling isn’t the same, but we’re both…”

“Drowning?” Steph finishes for me.

“Yeah.” I exhale loudly and push my palms into my eyes, trying to ease some of the pressure building behind them.

I’m so tired.

“We did talk a bit yesterday, as it felt like he was shutting me out. That’s when he explained some of what he was feeling. We agreed to communicate more,” I add.

A furry face appears above me, and Moshi butts his head against mine, then curls up next to me. The tight bands around my chest relax a fraction, and a tiny smile pulls at my lips.

“But?”

“I keep feeling angry, then the next minute, I’m hit with all this sadness. Like, I’m so overwhelmingly sad and it’s a deep well of melancholy sitting in my chest. Then I’m back to rage again. Sometimes numb too.”

I blink away the moisture that suddenly coats my vision, not wanting to cry again.

Steph exhales loudly beside me, shuffling a little. “I can’t even imagine how it feels to carry all of that, but it will get easier, even if it takes some time.”

“It might not. He’s destroyed me, the person I was before, and I don’t know who this person is that’s been left behind in the wreckage. What if I never do? I’m stuck with me, but at least they can leave if they want to.”

My chest squeezes like a vise at the thought. I don’t want them to leave, but I’ll…understand, even if it ends up breaking me.

Steph scoffs, then slides off the bed. I sit up, hurt that she’s walking off. She whips the door open and points at Nate, who’s leaning on the wall opposite, then immediately closes the door on his confused frown.

“No one wants to leave you. We’re all in this with you, for whatever you need. And you’ll learn to love Rosy 2.0 as much as we do,” she scolds, her hands placed high on her hips.