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“I wish I could get those for you. But I like the package you are now, mind included.” He smiles, pulling me from the spiral and stroking his finger across my forehead.
“Thank you,” I whisper, too guilt-ridden to even fake a smile. “I think I’m just going to shower and go to bed.”
“Would you like me to run you a bath?”
“That…would actually be nice. Yes, please.”
“I’ll go start it. Come in when you’re ready.” Noah tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, then heads into the bathroom.
As soon as I hear the water running, pressure builds behind my eyes. I blink furiously to hold them back. I don’t know why it’s so hard to receive their kindness. Every sweet thing they’re doing for me, every careful touch, thoughtful gesture…it’s hard to receive. My mind and body want to shy away and distrust it all.
It’s hard to really wrap my brain around it, because it’s not that I feel any of them are going to hurt me like he did.
But I was lulled into a false sense of trust.
He was never someone I loved working for, though I never foresaw anything like this happening. Instead, I was left always feeling inadequate, that it was my fault I wasn’t easier to work with, or I wasn’t hard working enough.
So now I’m struggling with the idea that I’m never going to know if I’m trusting the wrong person or not.
Rolling up, I push off the bed with a deep, exhausted sigh, glide my fingers through Moshi’s fur, and head into the bathroom.
TWENTY-TWO
ROSY
Noah’s voice curls around me, echoing around the space as I let the warm water ease some of my aching body. I hadn’t expected him to stay with me, but as he reads aloud from one of his favourite books, I’m glad he did.
There’s almost a normalcy to it.
Almost, because there’s no ignoring the messy, loud thoughts and fears clouding my mind. Listening to him makes it easier to push them aside, to drown them out, at least for a short while.
I thought I spent a lot of time in my mind before all of this, but now it’s hard to stay centred in reality. The world around me easily becomes foggy, as my time with him gives too much power to my head.
“Rosy?” My vision clears, bringing Noah’s face into focus. “Where did you go?”
I don’t even know how to answer that.
His hands cradle my face with care, and tears threaten to fall again. My emotions are thick in my throat. At his earnest look, one escapes and trails down my cheek, sliding onto his hand. His eyes soften as they trace the line before flicking up to catch my gaze.
“I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere. We’re in this together, with you,” he says, his words quiet and tender.
It doesn’t matter how many times they keep promising that, reassuring me that they’re here. I keep expecting differently.
“Nothing’s the same… I’m not the person you know anymore.”
His hold on me tightens when I go to glance away, drawing me back to him. “You are. The parts of you that make you Rosy, they’re still there. And all the new parts, I’ll get to know and love those too.”
At his confession, my eyes screw shut. He can’t mean that.
Love…no.
He can’t, at least not in the way I want him to.
“Yes,” he urges, and I realise my head is shaking in denial. “Watching you walk out that door away from us and not knowing if we would see you again… It made me realise it’s how I feel about you, even if I’d rather a romantic moment to declare it. There isn’t always one, because it’s what love is. It’s messy, it’s hard, and it’s constantly changing. So what I’m trying to say is if you need to cry, if you need to scream, if you need to rage, then do it, but know we will all be standing with you because you’re not alone. You have us to keep you standing when it gets too heavy, too dark, or too hard to stand on your own.”
His fingertips stroke my cheeks reverently, then he tilts my chin up so we’re a breath apart. He hesitates, not leaning in like he normally would.
A thick lump crests in my throat, all too ready to take hold of me when my emotions already prickle at the surface of my skin.
