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Jacob swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “Do you remember what I said to you in the car on the first night we met?” he asked softly, his head tilting to the side. “When you asked what I wanted from you?”
I bobbed my head. “You said something in Latin and then told me that I wasn’t ready to hear what it meant.”
His lips pulled up on one side into the smallest hint of a smile. “You weren’t. And I’m still not sure you’re ready to hear it now, but…” He released my chin, moving his hand to cup my cheek, his thumb brushing my tears away. “I couldn’t say it in English because I didn’t want to scare you; it would have been too much too soon.”
I blinked several times, my curiosity spiking to new heights. “What did you say, Jacob?”
“I said, ‘My angel. I want everything from you. I want your heart, your mind, your body, and your soul. I want to spend every day bathing in your beauty and light. I want you to keep me from falling into the perpetual darkness I lived in until the moment I discovered you. I want to be the reason you wake up each morning, and I want to be the reason you take your next breath. I want to be your everything. Just like you are mine.’”
My heart stuttered in my chest as the invisible dagger was slowly pulled out, and it attempted to repair itself with his words. The lump of emotion in my throat doubled in size, making it almost impossible to breathe. Jacob had told me he’d loved me before, but until this very moment, I hadn’t known how deep his love for me was.
Never in my life had I felt the way I did as I stared back at him, repeating internally what he’d said. Not only did he make me feel like I was the only girl in the world he wanted to grow old with, but he made me feel seen. He made me feel protected and safe.
But was that enough?
Jacob loved me deeply and protected me from everyone else, but there was the crazy, overly jealous side that made him want to brand me and lock me up so that I had no one but him to rely on. The change in his personality was unpredictable, and I never knew what would cause the flip; I was constantly walking on eggshells, waiting for him to punish me for saying or doing something wrong.
I didn’t want to live the rest of my life like that.
Stepping back, his hand fell to his side, and a flash of hurt crossed over his face. “I don’t understand, Jacob,” I said, trying to stop my lip from wobbling. “You tell me that I’m your everything, that I’m the reason you wake up every morning, yet you act like you’re my keeper, and I’m just a pet that you want to control.”
His eyes closed, and when they opened again, they were filled with pain. “I know, angel, and I have no excuses. I just… I love you so damn much, and I just wanted you to feel the same.”
“But I do love you.”
A sad smile curled his lips as he reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “I know you do, angel. Just not in the way I feel about you. And that’s okay; I’ve accepted that. Maybe one day you’ll meet someone who makes you feel the way I feel about you.”
“And what if I don’t want that?” I cried. He was slipping away from me, and I didn’t want to let go. I couldn’t let go. “What if one day, I do love you as much as you love me?”
Jacob shook his head. “I don’t think that’s in our stars, angel. I mean, even the thought of another woman touching me makes my skin burn because she isn’t you, but…” he grimaced, his gaze turning apologetic. “I sometimes forget that I’ve been on this planet longer than you. I’ve had the chance to explore connections with others, but you haven’t, and maybe that’s what you need. Maybe you need time on your own to explore relationships with different people before you decide what or who you want. It should never have been up to your parents to dictate that, and I’m sorry I went along with it.” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Who knows, maybe our paths will join again in the future.”
I didn’t want that; I didn’t want anyone but Jacob. But I couldn’t ignore the part of me that was screaming to take this offer and get far away from him, from the side that made him monstrous. I wanted to ignore that voice, though. It was coming from a place of resentment and defiance, born from my parents’ control over me.
But it didn’t have to be like that with Jacob.
“What if I don’t want that?” I said, forcing the words past the wreckage of my broken heart.
His head tilted to the side again. “What is it you want, Charlotte?”
I opened my mouth and closed it again as the conversation we’d had over dinner came to mind again. That revelation had made me understand his ways and why he needed to be in control, and that was unlikely to change, just as my need to make decisions for myself and live my life the way I wanted wouldn’t change.
Maybe Jacob was right, maybe our love wasn’t in the stars after all.
“I don’t know,” I eventually whispered after a lifetime passed. “My head is all over the place. I think I need time to figure out what I want.”
Jacob nodded. “You can have all the time in the world, angel. Space too. Just know that, however long you need, I will be waiting if you decide that I am what you want. Even if it’s not in this lifetime.”
He leaned forward, placing a kiss on my head and keeping his lips there for longer than he usually would. When he broke away, his eyes squeezed closed for a moment before he turned around and marched to the bedroom.
When the door closed behind him, my knees buckled, and I collapsed onto the nearest leather seat, my heart broken into a million irreparable pieces.
I spent the next several hours staring out the window, lost in my thoughts. I continuously flitted between wanting to go to the bedroom where Jacob was hiding and begging him to never let me go, to wishing the plane would hurry up and land so I could leave the claustrophobic cabin.
A sharp pain had taken residence in my chest, and every time I thought of what life would be like without Jacob, the pain stabbed me until I couldn’t breathe. In a short space of time, I’d come to depend on him for so much, but I also enjoyed being with him. When he wasn’t playing Jekyll and Hyde, I loved his company, his affection, and his unwavering love. I’d grown so used to it that I couldn’t fathom living day after day without it.
Without him.
A throat clearing startled me from my thoughts. “Charlotte, I’m sorry to disturb you,” Jacob said, not quite meeting my eye as he took the seat opposite me. He rubbed a hand down his face, and a pang of sympathy flowed through me at noting his eyes were still red and blotchy. “I know I have no right to ask you, but I need a favor.”