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He gestures for me to sit. He says, “Fuck me? Come on. When it’s just us. I know I’ve got you. And I have no emotion or scar unturned. I’m transparent with you. But you’ve overdeveloped a skill that locks places deep down inside of you away. And it finally dawned on me when I’m not around, that’s where you put me as well. I think it all began with him. Those places are where you shove pain or joy as if they’re the same thing. Every time it bubbles up, you divert from feeling it. You tuck a little more of the Jilly I know away. It takes more and more energy to keep it all separate. You can’t completely love me until you completely forgive them or stand up to them.”

I can’t breathe. “Christopher? For what?”

“Not just Chris. Forgive or move on for them not being the dad you think you were promised. Or the husband you thought Chris was going to be. Or the fact that Ethan is part of both of them.

And Ethan will leave you. He has to. You’ve done your job well, and he’s going to be a great human in the world, but he, too, will leave you. You’re working so hard to be everything to everyone, fixing all of it, you’re missing that someone wants to take care of you. And you have nothing left for yourself or in the end, me. Until you come to terms with them, you can’t possibly be with me. You can’t possibly believe I’m not them. I’m not the man that’s going to leave. And ironically, that’s exactly what I have to do. I have to save myself. I can’t lose myself completely again. You changed me. You made me want more. Loving you made me know I deserve more in life than living with what I’m given—I can want things. And now that I didn’t get what I want, I have to go and find it.”

“Oh God. You’re saying terrible things to me. Stop.” My brain is going to explode. I’m losing him. I’m losing him. Oh God.

“Your rules are in place for them, but I’m the only one playing by them. It was never a game I wanted to play. I wanted you and Ethan—to build a life—but you’ve made sure there’s no room for anyone except you. Your father is an asshole and will die alone, oblivious to having hurt anyone. Or maybe he’s acutely aware, and it’s why he drinks more. Why doesn’t anyone else have to play by your little rules?”

“I am fine with whatever he’s turned out to be. I’ve made peace with it.”

“You might want to reexamine the definition of peace.” There’s a cruel edge to his voice. I want to hurt him. I want to cut him deeply the way he’s trying to eviscerate me.

“So you’re leaving me because I figured out how to deal with my dad? Sounds a bit cowardly on your part.”

“We’ll see.” He turns away from me, but I stop him with my tone of voice. It’s a thing I’m not proud of, but I am capable of unfathomable cruelty. It’s like I unleash the tone of voice I use to speak to myself in the middle of the night. I keep it at bay most of the time. But it’s the cruel inner voice that told me I wasn’t good enough for someone to love me, so my father didn’t when I was young. As an adult, I can separate out the voice. But it’s the one that drove me to a reckless college life. And then there was Ethan. Fate landed that little boy in my belly. And fate brought me to Liam’s doorstep. But I can’t stop my rage. I can’t let Liam off without knowing he’s destroying me.

“I guess we fucking won’t see. Running back to your cats, your mom, and your big empty house will only accomplish being alone. It won’t solve us.”

“You’re not listening. There is no us.”

“What do I tell Ethan?”

“You don’t need to tell him anything. I already have.”

I walk to the living room and turn back to him. “You spoke to him?”

“Oh, was that another little rule I broke? No talking to your son without the conversation being vetted first. I pulled him out of camp to say goodbye.”

“I do not have little rules.” I fixate on that instead of him telling Ethan goodbye.

And then I hear his cruel voice. It’s the first time it’s ever been directed at me. And I drove us to this place. He never loses his temper, and I created all of this. I’m so fucked-up.

He unleashes on me. “You have millions of them. You’ve been creating them for years, so many that your day and life are dictated by them. If you really wanted me as part of your life, you’d trust me with him. You’d trust me with the ugly parts of yourself, too.”

“What did you say to Ethan?”

“You can ask him. Or you can trust I care for him enough not to lie or try and protect him from shit that doesn’t exist. You have so many guidelines to try and safeguard your heart and his childhood. Your father fucked you up so much more than you’ll admit. And I won’t pay for his sins.”

He throws his hands in the air, then turns back to me. “You closed your life off little by little. I’m not even sure you know how closed off you are. Were you so open with me last Christmas because you didn’t think I’d stay? Were you pretending? Because that’s the Jillien I know. This other person you’ve crafted and curated doesn’t come off as wanting anything to do with me.”

“Not fair to put all this shit on me. There are two of us here, right?”

“Jillien, until you’re ready to crack yourself open, your little life will keep you protected, but it’s lonely over here. I deserve all of you. Stop hiding away from your life like your father does because you’re afraid of feeling anything.”

“I knew it would come down to the ugliness with my dad.”

“No. You misunderstand. I don’t give a shit about Jeffery. I care about you, and how you’ve decided to cordon off a part of yourself so you’re not disappointed by life. By men. By me. Let me in, or I have to go.”

“You run from everything, yet I’m the one who’s not facing things.” Christ, therapy’s not this fucking painful.

“I’m running, and it’s my flaw, but you’re all bravado, Bella.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Fair enough.”