Page 37
I say, “Don’t make me end this, Schlong.” The idiot dramatically stumbles backward. The entire restaurant is looking. I see a huge man stand up, groaning, and make his way over to us. Ricky yells and spins around the space, “You all saw that. He fucking attacked me.”
“Come on,” I whine. You’re kidding. The manager is standing with Ricky and looking him over to see if there’s damage of any sort, then scowls at the two of us.
“I can end this,” Ricky blusters.
“Christ. Give it the fuck up, Schlong.”
“SCHLEEN!” Melanie screeches behind me.
The giant man looks at me. “You are going to need to make this up to my wife. But you did hit him, and I saw it. And now I’m obligated. So, son, I’m sorry, but you have the right to remain silent—”
Sabrina yells, “What are you doing?!”
“Ma’am, I need to arrest your boyfriend for assault and battery.”
She doesn’t miss a beat. “Of course, you do. Because there’s no lightning. Arrest away, officer. We’ll figure this out too.” She throws her arms in the air. I smile at her.
Ricky pokes me. “See, muthafucker, that’s what you get. That’s what you get for stealing another man’s woman.”
“You never met her before!” He pokes me again.
The officer says, “Sir, please step back. I have this handled. Go back to your evening. And keep it down, the restaurant has been through enough.” Then the nice policeman puts his hand on my arm and leads me out as the restaurant claps.
OceanofPDF.com
20
OceanofPDF.com
SABRINA
Two hours of uncomfortable plastic, the municipal smell of Pine-Sol and pencil shavings. It’s 12:48 when the arresting officer walks towards me.
“You ok, there?” His face is kind and he looks exactly how you want a cop to look like, as if he cares and doesn’t take any shit.
I nod. “Sir, please tell your wife we’re so sorry that Ricky—”
“Schlong?” The man purses his lips and shakes his head.
“It’s pronounced Schlein.”
The officer bursts into a giant belly laugh, and so do I. Tears run down our faces as we keep trying to compose ourselves. I say, “And her last name was Tinywhole.”
The officer puts his hand up. “Stop. Please. No.” He’s bent over laughing with his arms out like he’s blocking defenders.
“Pronounced Tinhinyho.”
“Aw, shit.” He can barely speak. We laugh as if we’re releasing all the tension in the world. Finally, the officer walks around breathing to calm himself. I wipe my eyes.
“Patrick only wanted to be with me tonight. He, Schlong, was my blind date.”
He nods. “I figured it all out. Manager kicked them out. He apologizes for misreading the situation. He complained Patrick stole something precious. Once Mr. Schlein”—a giggle escapes his lips—“calmed down, he admitted to messing up everyone’s night.”
“Sweet Jesus. Patrick can leave?” He shifts his weight and smiles. “Is there somewhere to grab food? We missed all the dinners.”
He places his hand on my shoulder. “The way he keeps asking about you is sweet. You make a lovely couple.”
“I only met him tonight.”
