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Cross the Line

Page 127

by Jenna Hartley

“I’m good.” She grabbed her reusable water bottle from the dresser. “But thanks.”

I sank down on the couch, and she perched on the coffee table across from me. She took a deep breath, and my stomach roiled.

“Thanks for giving me space the past few weeks,” she said. “It gave me time to think about everything.”

I nodded, not trusting myself to try to speak. Part of me wanted to tell her to just get it over with. The other part wanted to drag it out because maybe then there was still a chance.

“We always knew this wouldn’t be easy,” she said. “And I guess I underestimated just how hard it would be.” She took a deep breath. “I’m here because I wanted to⁠—”

Oh god. I couldn’t help it. I closed my eyes, bracing for what I knew was coming.

“Carson?” she asked, and then her hand was brushing against my jaw, cupping my cheek.

“Just do it. Just say it,” I rasped, reveling in her touch even as I tried to tell myself not to get used to it.

“Look at me,” she said, and I opened my eyes, unable to deny her anything, even this. Her brow was furrowed. “Why do you think I’m here?”

To break up with me. To tell me you never want to see me again.

I took a calming breath, but my heart was still racing. “To tell me it’s over.”

“Carson…” She shook her head. “No.” She stroked my jaw, and I was really trying not to get my hopes up. “To tell you that I love you.”

I took a small breath, a little sip of air. My chest was still tight despite her words. I couldn’t believe… I was scared to let myself think that she still wanted this. Wanted me.

And I found myself asking, “Even now? Even after…”

Her expression softened, and she nodded. She smoothed her hand down my neck to my chest, stopping when it rested over my heart. “I know your heart, and I love the man you are today. That’s the man I fell in love with, not the teenager from the past who made mistakes. Yes, he’s part of you, and I love all parts of you. But that one decision does not define you, just as my brother’s sexuality should not define him, or my career should not define me.”

I didn’t even know what to say. I was humbled by her faith in me, awed by her love. To know that I’d done something so awful to someone she loved, yet she was willing to forgive me, was healing.

I took her hand in mine, the relief so powerful it was dizzying. I kissed the inside of her wrist, feeling the beat of her pulse against my lips. Our hands remained clasped between us, and I rubbed my thumb over the back of her hand.

She blew out a breath, and some of my earlier relief dissipated. So much still remained unsaid.

“I did a lot of thinking during my road trip,” she said. “A lot of soul-searching, a lot of talking with my mom. And I came to the realization that I’ve been defining myself by my career. But you showed me that my value isn’t in what I’ve accomplished but the kind of person I am.”

Wow. I jerked my head back, stunned by her admission and her compliment.

“Lo.” I tucked her hair behind her ear. “You are the most amazing person I know. And I love you too. Not because of your impressive recall for hockey stats or the incredible way you see plays, though they’re awesome. It’s not because of your Walter Cup wins or your gold medal, though they are pretty sick.”

She laughed at that, and something in me lightened. I felt…hopeful.

“I love you.” I leaned closer, wanting her to hear the depth of my love—bottomless, endless, without fail. “Because you are passionate. Because you are constantly trying to improve and learn and grow. I love you because you’re trying to make the world better, a more equal and just and fair place.”

She leaned into my touch, and I tried to hold on to this moment for just a little longer. Because I’d done a lot of thinking too. And if I loved her as much as I said I did, then I had to be honest with myself and her.

I knew how important Levi was to Logan. I didn’t want her to resent me for the rest of our lives if he never forgave her. Because yeah, I was thinking about the rest of our lives. I’d meant what I said that morning in my kitchen, fresh off the Stanley Cup win—there was no one for me but Logan.

“And because I love you, I can’t—” I took a breath, forcing out the words. “I don’t want to be the reason you don’t have a relationship with your brother.”

She lifted her head to meet my gaze, tearful but resolved. “I love my brother, and loving you doesn’t take away from that. Even if he doesn’t see it that way right now.”

“Have you talked to him?”

She grimaced. “Not since the morning after Cece’s party. I think he needs some time to cool down.”

“Lo.” I gave her hand a squeeze, trying to figure out the best way to word this.