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I knew Forde would know which one I meant.
He snorted. “You got a death wish?”
“C’mon. You know it’ll be fun.”
Laughing, Forde helped me back onto the quad bike.
Five minutes later, Farmer McIntyre chased us off his field with his tractor and I knew we’d both get in trouble for it, but it was worth it for how much it made us both laugh.
7. Forde
Present day
Ihad not planned this week well. Tomorrow, I had to leave the island at the crack of dawn for a twelve-hour return trip to Aberdeen, so having to catch a ferry to Oban the day before was just a pain in the arse. However, it was my last session with Dr. Gardener and not to be missed.
I’d paid for six sessions with the therapist out of my own pocket. One a month since Cameron left on her travels. After she’d departed, Quinn had hired a guy for a temporary job on his construction team. His name was Alan and he’d volunteered at the lifeboat service because he was originally from Cornwall and had experience with lifeboat rescue. He and I had done a few shifts together. Alan had taken me aback by being very open about his mental health struggles. Other than Quinn, a bloke had never really talked to me about their feelings like that.
Totally unabashed. Unashamed.
Alan told me how seeing a therapist changed his life and the more he spoke about his experiences and how he’d unraveled years of behavioral patterns that were destroying his future, the more in awe of the guy I became. By Christmas, Alan had moved on to new pastures. And I was on session two with Dr. Gardener in Oban. I hadn’t wanted anyone to know about it because gossip in Leth Sholas traveled faster than the speed of light, so I’d dipped into my hard-earned savings to pay for private sessions.
“She’s making it clear she doesn’t want to spend time alone with me. She still hasn’t unblocked me,” I replied to Dr. Gardener’s question about how I felt having Cameron home.
My therapist tilted her head in thought, contemplating me with that blank expression that unnerved me at first. Now I appreciated that perfected mask that she somehow engaged without judgment. “There’s still an awful lot of miscommunication between you and Cameron. It’s not going to work overnight. You will have to put effort into breaking down walls with her so she can see you’ve been working hard on yourself.”
“Aye. I know you’re right. It’s just … it’s shite how awkward things are between us when it used to be easy.”
“Was it, though?” Her tone was inquiring rather than contesting.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, we’ve spent five and a half sessions and in every single one of them, you’ve told me about you and Cameron and how there has been something romantic between you under the surface of all your interactions since you were both very young. And one very out-in-the-open event that you’ve both swept under the rug. Unsuccessfully. That doesn’t sound particularly easy.”
I acknowledged the truth in that. “Well then, we were good at pretending things were easy.”
“But you told me you don’t want to pretend anymore, Forde. Just last month you told me you want something real, and you want it with Cameron.”
“I do.”
“But you’re still afraid you’re not good enough?”
Part of the big breakthrough I’d made with Dr. Gardener was understanding just how low my self-esteem was. Deep down. Buried beneath my cocky bullshit. So deeply buried, in fact, I wasn’t conscious of it. Or how it was the reason I’d ruined what might have been with Cameron.
“I think it’ll take more than six sessions to undo a lifetime of prejudice.”
“I think you’re right.” She gave me a kind smile. “But you start undoing it by correcting actions that enforce those feelings of unworthiness.”
“What if I’m too late?”
“Then you’ll find ways to cope with that. But I think it’s too soon to throw in the towel when you haven’t done the work yet to show Cameron she’s come home to a man dedicated to making positive changes.”
Leaning forward, I exhaled the nervousness bubbling beneath my skin. “I wish I could go back. I wish I could go back and change it.”
Dr. Gardener seemed to know what I referred to. “You were young, Forde. And you’d been treated ill by the people who were supposed to keep you safe. Your past with Cameron can’t be changed … but if you can forgive yourself, you might just be able to change your future.”
Eighteen Years Ago
My heart rate was starting to calm from the surprise of every single one of our pals jumping out at me and shouting, “Happy birthday!” when Cameron moved away from the group, hips swaying in a tiny fucking purple minidress that made her legs look like they went on forever. Just like that, my heart rate increased again, and my body flushed hot.
