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“You should be glad it’s only me. The family was ready to load up in the vans and have a full-on intervention. I offered to come check on you before they called in the cavalry.” he chuckled as he stepped past me and walked inside.

“I sent a message to Messiah to let everyone know I was okay. There’s no need for an intervention. As you can see, I’m alive, so please call off the hounds.” I grumbled as I walked over to the couch and plopped down.

Freedom took a seat on the adjacent couch as his eyes burned a hole into the side of my face.

“How are you holding up? And please don’t give some generic response because you know we don’t operate that way.”

My eyes shot over to him, and I could tell he had a lot on his mind. I shrugged and sat back against the couch pillow.

“What do you want me to say, Free? If I tell you I’m okay, it would be a lie, and if I told the real thoughts in my head, you would be ready to lock me up in the looney house. I don’t know what you want from me.”

It got quiet.

“You can’t hold your feelings in, baby girl. It’s not good for you.”

“And what exactly do you suggest I do? Huh? I’ve been so much, Free. I thought I had finally got past that shit, and here we are again. Everyone blames me for what he did to himself, but nobody seems to give a fuck about what he did to me!” I jumped up from my seat and began to pace the floor.

“I kept seeing all these comments saying, “She must have asked for it” or “Why didn’t she just leave”, but they don’t have a clue how many times I tried.” My lips quivered as all the memories came rushing back.

“I used to question if it really was my fault after he would beat me until he got tired. He would cry and tell me how much he loved me after he tied me to his bedpost and whupped me with a belt for hours. He wrote me poems and love letters after he finished pissing on me or locking me inside of his closet. I would try to convince myself that if I just tried to love him harder, he would stop, but he didn’t. The more I tried to love him, the more he went out of his way to humiliate me.”

“When I finally tapped out of the relationship, he refused to let me go, and he would threaten to kill us both. Do you know what it’s like to wake up with a gun to your head? I begged him to let me go, but he made it clear the only way out was death. I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about what happened to Leora. Even though we didn’t get along, I think about the fact that it could have been me. I question why God decided to spare my life and not hers, and sometimes I wish it would have been me instead.”

“Aye, don’t ever say no shit like that.” Free stood from the couch and attempted to walk towards me. I held my hands up to stop him.

“You don’t get it, Free. Everybody sees the happy and bubbly Honesty, but I’m fucked up. I have nightmares of him choking me until I passed out. That’s the reason why I still sleep with a nightlight. I didn’t start sleeping through the night until I moved in with Solomon. For the first time in years, I felt safe enough to close my eyes for more than a few hours. And now I might have to say goodbye to the one man I know would never hurt me.”

I sobbed into my hands, and my body trembled as I fell apart. Freedom pulled me into his arms and hugged me. I didn’t have the energy to protest because as much as I didn’t want anyone to see me at my lowest, I couldn’t handle it alone.

I remained in his arms until I was all out of tears. He whispered that everything would be okay, and there was a part of me that desperately wanted to believe him. I needed things to get better even though I wasn’t sure what that would look like.

Once I finally got my emotions under control, we both took a seat on the couch. I tucked my feet underneath me and wrapped my throw blanket over my body. Freedom cleared his throat, and I glanced over at him as he began to speak.

“After I overdosed, I was so mad when I woke up and realized I was still alive. I didn’t even have anyone to blame for the fucked up shit I did, but I figured death was better than having to face the disappointing looks on my parents' faces. Not only had I let them down, but I let my son down, which was the one thing I vowed never to do.”

“For months, I dealt with the mixture of sympathetic and judgmental looks from everyone I loved. I felt like a complete failure, and I didn’t think I would ever be able to redeem myself. Hell, if we’re being honest, I’m still trying to make amends. I remember one night, sitting in my dark room, my pistol in my hand. I wrote a note to my parents and then one to Sincere. I told myself everyone would be better without me, and I wouldn’t be able to mess anything else up if I weren’t around anymore.”

His revelation sent chills up my spine since I had been battling with those same thoughts.

“What made you change your mind?”

“You want the truth?”

I nodded.

“I didn’t want to give my pops the satisfaction of being right about me.” He paused, then continued. “I spent my whole life feeling like I could never quite measure up. The last conversation we had, after I got out of rehab, he called me weak. He said I ran from accountability because I wasn’t a real man. For some reason, his words replayed in my head just as I was about to pull the trigger and end it all, and it pissed me off because I was proving his point.

“I thought about my son calling someone else dad because I didn’t even have enough love for him to stick around. It wasn’t easy, but I refused to let my legacy end in a trail of pain and destruction. It wasn’t fair to the people I love, and, honestly, it wasn’t fair to me. I figured if God spared my life the last time, this was my opportunity to rewrite my story or, at the very least, correct it and change the course.”

“Right now, it feels like the world is caving in around you and you can’t see a way out. I get it, and you have every right to process your feelings the way you need to. I’m not here to judge you or to tell you things could be worse. All I’m here to do is remind you that you have an army behind you. You’re not alone in all of this, even though isolation feels like this safest place for you right now.”

“You aren’t in this alone. And as far as Solomon goes, you gotta know that he isn’t gonna let you walk away that easily. He loves you, Nes. He isn’t embarrassed or ashamed about what happened. Hell, if anything, I’ve never seen him so angry. The only thing on his mind right now is making sure you feel safe.”

“He told you that?” I probed.

Solomon hadn’t said anything about the video, and it made me feel even more insecure because I couldn’t tell what was on his mind.

“He was on the phone with Messiah yesterday. He’s worried about you. You were violated, so I understand you feel a lot of shame, but you’ve got a solid man foreal. The only thing he cares about right now is you.”