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LochNLoad

This place is incredible, Sass.

I pause a moment before opening my inventory and selecting the item I crafted on my break using some ridiculously rare materials. The Eidolon Plate glows faintly with blue magical patterns that counter ghostly attacks. Clicking Give, I transfer it to Lochie.

SassyLassie

For you. To properly apologise for yesterday.

LochNLoad

Wait . . . is this what I think it is? Wraith-resistant armour?! No way.

SassyLassie

Aye! To be clear, it won’t save you if he cleaves you in half with his glaive, but it should protect you from those pesky shock waves.

LochNLoad

You’ve brought me to a secret location AND given me an epic gift? Hang on—are our characters on their first date? LOL.

My hands hover over the keyboard for a stunned second before I type like a woman possessed.

SassyLassie

Date?! No! Definitely not!

But Lochie—Jamie—is undeterred.

LochNLoad

Really? Because look around, this place screams romance vibes: sunshine, flowers . . . butterflies doing mating dances or whatever it is they’re up to.

Oh God, he’s doubling down on this madness.

SassyLassie

I crafted the wraith armour for monster slaying—not matchmaking!

But Lochie moves towards one of the flower patches dotting the grove. Kneeling, he picks a single white bloom then walks back over to me with it.

LochNLoad

A man has to give his lass a flower on their first date, right?

I groan. This is not what I intended. I’m just trying to apologise and get him to trust me again so I can . . . what? Spy on him some more? Christ, when did I become this person?

LochNLoad

You know, in all our time playing together, we’ve never tried any of the game’s romance options.

SassyLassie

And we’re not starting now!

I’ve never been remotely tempted to dress SassyLassie in any of the absurdly revealing outfits available. Bikinis belong on a beach, not a battlefield. Nor have I ever had any interest in the game’s cringe-inducing “flirty” dialogue options, written by someone who apparently thinks “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” qualifies as top-tier banter. Why the hell would I want to trigger a candlelit dinner cinematic with another player—or worse, one of the infamous fade-to-black “romance” cutscenes that everyone goes on about?

Come to think of it, maybe I should’ve put my quotes around “fade-to-black” rather than “romance”. Because by all accounts, the in-game movies only actually dissolve to black after first “rewarding” players with a glimpse of bare boobs and a thoroughly unaroused penis. Apparently, that’s the developers’ idea of keeping it classy—no vaginas or erections in our game, folk. Truly masterful restraint.