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She then takes charge again, decorating the rest of his body like she’s conjuring some ancient spell to seduce a god. By the time she reaches his thighs—and yes, she gets scandalously close to brushing his cock—I’m watching in stunned disbelief because somehow this man’s penis remains soft through all of this. How? HOW? Meanwhile, my jeans are starting to feel dangerously tight, and I’m just watching this unfold on my laptop screen. Honestly, if this actor doesn’t win a BAFTA for restraint alone, there’s no justice in the world.

The firelight flickers, casting shadows that move almost as sensuously as the characters do. It’s ridiculous how much chemistry these two have. Somehow their connection feels . . . real.

The warrior pins the woman against a wall, her painted body arching towards his as though they’ve forgotten everything except each other. His hand slides down her thigh, his strong fingers lifting her leg, then he presses himself even closer to her. Her head falls back, exposing the delicate curve of her throat, which he descends upon with his mouth—biting softly first, then suckling hard. The guttural sound she makes when his hips roll against hers is so raw and feral it sends a shiver down my spine.

Fuck me if this isn’t hot as hell. I can’t believe I put off watching this for so long.

I unbutton my jeans and tug them down past my hips then let out a breath I didn’t realise I’d been holding. Sweet relief. My cock wastes no time expressing its gratitude—it twitches in my boxers like it’s giving me an approving nod for finally using my brain. Not that my brain has much to say right now.

The woman’s hands claw at the warrior’s shoulders, her desperate movements urging him closer, deeper into the molten pull of their shared need. He growls low in his throat then loops an arm around her waist and lifts her effortlessly—as though she weighs nothing at all—and strides to an ancient wooden table nearby. With one sweep of his free arm, scrolls, goblets, and more crash to the floor, then he’s laying her down, her hair spilling out like molten copper against the dark wood.

He descends upon her again, his hands mapping her curves while his hips press insistently between her thighs. The firelight catches their every movement: muscles flexing, limbs tangling, breaths quickening until they sound less human and more animal—raw and unrestrained.

Finally she shudders violently against him with a gasp so sharp it could slice through steel, dragging him right over the edge with her. His roar crashes against the stone walls like a thunderclap rolling through the hills. Afterwards, as he struggles to catch his breath, his chest rising and falling, he gazes down at her like she’s some rare treasure he can’t quite believe is real. “You’re . . . everything,” he murmurs, the words slipping out like they’ve been waiting a lifetime to escape.

Cut to: an exterior shot of the lone wolf howling again. Because subtlety is clearly not in this show’s vocabulary.

I pause the episode and run a hand over my face, willing myself to get a grip. What is wrong with me? The whole show is ludicrous—essentially a soft porn disguised as historical fantasy. And yet my cock’s standing to attention like it’s just heard the first bars of “Scotland the Brave.” I kick my jeans off entirely, yank my polo shirt over my head, then flop back onto my bed in nothing but my boxers—although my dick is quite clearly straining to be free of them too. Phew, I reckon I need to cool down a bit.

My eyes snag on the Highland Legacy figurine—the one that looks so much like SassyLassie—and I swear to God, her tiny painted face is smirking at me. My gaze then drifts to my phone. Hmm. I probably shouldn’t send her another message. But sod it.

LochNLoad

Bloody hell, Sass. Just watched THAT scene. You weren’t kidding—it’s hot as fuck. Couldn’t resist skipping straight ahead either.

I’m not expecting a response anytime soon—not after she ghosted my last couple of messages. But then—bam!—out of nowhere a reply comes in.

SassyLassie

Patience really ISN’T your virtue, is it?

My stomach does this weird little swoop thing that’s equal parts relief and adrenaline. Maybe I’m overreacting—it hasn’t been that long since we last spoke—but still, it’s like . . . someone turned on the sun after a drizzly day in the hills.

LochNLoad

Sorry! But just to clarify, are you talking about my relentless messaging or the fact I skipped ahead to S2E7?

SassyLassie

Both

LochNLoad

Fair enough! But I have to ask . . . body painting? That’s your secret kink? Want to, er, discuss it in more detail?

SassyLassie

Nope! Not going there. Let’s talk about literally anything else.

I frown at my phone. That’s not the response I was hoping for. Where’s the fun in that?

LochNLoad

Okay, although . . . with her auburn hair, that actor didn’t look a million miles away from your avatar. Just saying!

SassyLassie

Lochie! Let’s change the subject