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“Story of my life. Not the man you need, just the kind of man you need.”

“Wow. Who’s shit on your strawberries today? I was going to offer you a free meal, but maybe I should save it for someone that’s in a good mood and would appreciate it?” Pattie looks me up and down and I can’t help but smile at her. “That’s better, my man. Now, let’s get you a table and I’ll have a meal brought to you.”

“I didn’t think you did food in here?” I frown at her with a little bit of wariness thrown in.

“We don’t. Yet. That’s why you’re going to be a guinea pig for our new cook. You timed it perfectly. Back in a while.” She positively skips off behind the bar and disappears towards the kitchen.

Sitting quietly, I can’t help noticing a blond that keeps trying to catch my eye. If I were in the market for a cum dumpster, she might fit the bill, but I’d need a few more beers before I went there. There are certainly many better-looking women in here. I’m halfway through my beer when Pattie returns balancing a tray with food and a beer on it.

“Okay, big boy. There’s two burgers, A and B, two types of fries, C and D, and a new local beer. When you’ve finished, I need to know what you preferred out of the food and if you liked the beer. Simple and on the house. See you in a while.” Before I know what’s happened, she pecks me on the cheek and is gone.

As I’m looking at the food, deciding what to try first, a shadow flows over me. “Hi, honey. Can I get me one of those?”

The blond has shown her colors and her perfume is so strong it kills the smell of the food at my table.

“I don’t share my food with strangers.” That should give her a clear message.

“I was talking about the kiss you got from the server, honey. I’d like one of those before I eat you all up.”

Crap. Obviously not clear enough. Let’s try again. “I’m even fussier about who I put my lips on, so you have no chance. Now fuck off so I can eat my food in peace.” Judging by the look on her face, that hit the spot. She raises her hand as though she’s going to slap me, but my look must tell her to back down. She grins and then flounces away, back to her pals.

They must ask her what happened, and I’m sure I hear the word gay thrown out. Hell, I don’t care as long as she doesn’t come back. If she does, then we’ll have a problem.

The first burger I try is okay, average at best, but the fries are amazing. They have some kind of seasoning on them, and it makes the chips extra tasty. The second burger is juicy and full of flavor. It tastes as fresh as if it had just come off the hoof. The fries are soggy and have to be from a freezer.

Tasting the beer, I’m not sure. It isn’t unpleasant, but then it’s not got that wow factor, either. It reminds me of a taste test I read somewhere of a popular beer. A pale American-style lager with a mild, slightly sweet taste. It features a faint bready malt flavor balanced by a subtle rice sweetness, very low hop bitterness, and a clean, crisp, fast finish. This one doesn’t have the same finish though. It tastes too bitter for me, and it’s not a nice aftertaste.

Pattie must notice I’m done and comes over to get the results. “So, what’s the verdict?”

“Well, burger B, fries C, and I’m not keen on the beer. I’d drink it, but there are better beers available.”

“Let me guess, tastes like cardboard for the nasty burger, freezer burn for the chips, and the aftertaste on the beer?” Pattie has definitely tried them, too.

“Nail on the head, Pattie, you hit the nail on the head.” As she scoops the dishes and the beer onto the tray, the blond makes another move.

“Don’t waste your time, bitch. He’s not interested in women.” Blondie glares at us both.

“He might not be interested in you, or your plastic surgeon, but he is most definitely a woman’s man. I can vouch for that any night of the week and five times on a Saturday. You are so not his type, is all.” Pattie stands with her hands on her hips and watches as the blond stands up, puts her arms under her fake tits and bunches them up.

“Well, he didn’t want any of this to ride on,” the blond whines.

“He’d get far more pleasure, and a darn sight more mileage, out of his Harley than those over-inflated douche bags.” Pattie takes the tray, signaling that the conversation is over, and walks away. The blond sits down, totally humiliated.

I’m just finishing my beer when Pattie arrives with a fresh one. “This will be more to your liking, I think.” She grins at the blond as she says it. “All natural ingredients. None of that GM or artificial stuff.” She winks and strolls away, laughing to herself.

I’m just taking my first swig when I see Fury walk in, with Allegra on his arm. What the fuck! I watch as they head straight through the bar and into the back. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but what the fuck?

I’m still sitting there bewildered, hell no, jealous, when they reappear a couple of minutes later. Well, at least they haven’t had sex in there. I doubt even Fury could come that fast. They speak to Pattie, who laughs and grabs Allegra into a hug. Mateo appears from nowhere and then he laughs and gives Allegra a hug. What the fuck! My vocabulary seems to be very stunted right now.

Pattie says something to Allegra and then points my way. Allegra gives Fury a peck on the cheek and then heads my way. What the…

“Vortex. Why are you sitting over here all alone?” Allegra says, and her voice is soft and melodious. Soft and melodious? I think I should stick to my other three words.

“He’s not alone. He’s with me.” Oh my God. Doesn’t she know when to shut the fuck up. The blond stands up and glares at Allegra.

“Oh, sweetie, he is sooo not with you. If you were the last woman on this green Earth, he would not be with you. The human race would cease to exist if you and he were the last ones left. You are not his type, either as a woman, blood group, or mother to his children.” Allegra looks at her, all smiles and goodness, as though explaining to a simple child.

Blondie steps up to Allegra and I wait for the shit to go down, but I get the shock of my life. Allegra takes the woman's face in her hands, and as I wait for her to slam her head into a table or headbutt her, she slams her lips onto the blond's mouth and kisses her.