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There’s my mental load right there…
“He actually said that to you?!”
“Yeah, yeah, keep twisting the knife in my fragile, little heart. But I think he was speaking in the heat of the moment. I don’t know if I should believe he meant it.”
“Alma, you need to cross him out of your life. I’m saying this for your own good.”
“Do you mean, like, erase him from my life?”
“Look, I spend my days having conversations with a pair of three-year-olds all day, and they aren’t exactly gifted… Don’t pick on me for my vocabulary.”
“Then don’t ask me to do the impossible with Vadim, Clem. I spend all my days with him, too…”
“I know he’s gorgeous, brilliant, mysterious and full of witty comebacks, and that even his morning breath smells good…” She sighs, rolling her eyes. “But you can’t fall back into that trap. I bet he’s already started the verbal sparring again, like when you were nineteen. Neither of you wants to back down, but you’re going to hurt each other.”
“Maybe.”
“You and Vadim are living in the past again. You need to move on. Stop believing there’s anything left to salvage.”
“It doesn’t matter if I want to try or not… I can’t control how I feel.”
My heart is pounding at the thought of what I’m about to admit.
To admit to myself.
“Alma! He changed his name, his whole life… He went from a rebellious, idealistic student to some goddamn millionaire who has dated a string of actresses and models! Arcadi doesn’t exist anymore, and King is a fucking cliché!”
She’s getting worked up, out of pure friendship.
“I still love him, Clem.”
The bombshell has been dropped.
“I know, I’m not blind. But you’re going to end up in tears if you try to do something about it.”
“If you could see the two of us,” I whisper. “The attraction is still there, as strong as ever. I can’t help it. I completely lose it every time I see him. I become either dumb or obnoxious.”
“And him?”
“I feel like he wants the same thing I do. I don’t know how to explain it, but I don’t think he’s moved on either. We’re constantly seeking each other out, provoking each other, ravaging each other with our eyes, and then saying the cruelest things to each other. All we do is rekindle the past.”
“Hold on, I’m ordering another pitcher of sangria. When you say you love him, you mean you’re in love with the memory of the two of you back when you were madly in love, right? That’s called nostalgia, Alma.”
“No, I’m in love with him.”
My best friend looks up to the heavens in exasperation.
“I’m not kidding, Clem. I don’t sleep anymore. I haven’t been eating. All I do is think about him. I feel eighteen again. Nothing feels certain anymore, nothing interests me… It’s ridiculous, but he drives me crazy. I should just be honest, tell him everything, and let him reject me.”
“Definitely not! Ignore him. He’ll get bored eventually. For all you know, it’s just a game to him.”
Ouch.
“It must amuse him to see that he gets under your skin. Maybe he wants revenge.”
“Revenge for what? You’d think I committed some atrocious crime by leaving him! You were there, Clem. You know why I left. I didn’t have a choice. I did it for him!”
“Men… Don’t even attempt to understand what’s going on in their heads.”
