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Those three words bring tears to my eyes, which I hastily brush away. “I missed you too.”
“How did your exams go?” Jake asks as we make our way inside to the kitchen. The way the screen door screeches on its hinges, the smell of the gum trees that surround the house feels safe. Familiar.
Then why do I feel so unsettled?
Mum already boiled the kettle, so I have an excuse to keep my hands busy as I make us each a cup of tea. My hand brushes the mug that Oliver used the first time he was here, and I pull away like I was burned. Remembering Jake asked me a question, I grab the next mug and turn back around.
“I’m just glad they’re over,” I shrug. It’s the simplest explanation. “I need a break before my final semester starts, that’s for sure.” Jake opens his mouth to say something, but thinks better of it. “What?”
He looks guilty as he places his mug onto the bench, crossing his arms across his chest. “Eden, look. No one wanted to ask you directly. But what happened between you and Oliver?”
I knew this was coming. Then why do I feel like I’m going to throw up?
“I—” Whatever I was going to say is cut off by the sob that escapes from my mouth. Jake hushes me as he embraces me again. I cry and cry until the entire front of his school shirt is soaked. It’s almost cathartic.
Pulling back, I laugh wetly, wiping the snot away. “You’re going to have to wash that top.” Jake looks down, then back up at me.
“God, you’re gross,” he says with no true malice. I take a deep shaky breath, and try again.
“I freaked out on him.”
“No surprises there.”
“Oh my God, can you let me finish?” Jake laughs as I roll my eyes. “As I was saying, I freaked out on him. He showed up to my literature presentation without asking. It was just after my Honours coordinator told me that I missed a scholarship application deadline. I sorted that out, so don’t stress. I felt as though him surprising me was going to ruin everything, not just the presentation. My marks, my degree, my future. I said some really hurtful things to him.”
“I’m sure he wasn’t entirely faultless.”
I shake my head at Jake’s words. “No, he wasn’t. I told him not to come. But that seems like such a minor thing. It wasn’t just about the presentation. I was dealing with my own things and took it out on him.” Pausing, I tap my fingernails against the ceramic mug. “I just don’t know how to fix this. We haven’t spoken since.”
Jake nods, letting my words hang between us for a moment. “Maybe some time apart will do you both good. Let you reflect on everything that’s happened. If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be.”
I nudge him with my shoulder, a small smile on my lips. “Since when did you get this wise?”
He nudges me back. “I’m an adult now, Edes. It’s part of the job description.”
* * *
Three weeks can pass in the blink of an eye when you’re busy mending a broken heart.
The days blur into one. Get up. Have breakfast. Do miscellaneous tasks around the farm. Read new journal articles to try and keep my mind active. Kids come home from school. Entertain them. Dinner. Shower. Work on as much of the research project as I can before the words in front of me blur into one. Sleep (barely). Get up. Have breakfast. Fix a fence. Feed the chickens. Scream into the void. Repeat.
It’s times like this that remind me why I like the city sometimes. You can walk outside and find something to keep you busy. Here? You’re stuck with your thoughts. Day in, day out.
Gemma and I keep in contact, and she keeps me sane. She doesn’t say anything about my tear-stained face when she video calls me, curled up against the sushi cat toy that I won Oliver what feels like a lifetime ago. Greg has been bringing me a lot of comfort lately.
I think about messaging him. I really do.
But I don’t.
I can’t bring myself to.
What if he doesn’t want to hear from me? What if we were just a way to fill in time?
We never spoke about making it serious. We just worked.
And I think that’s what scares me the most.
* * *
