Page 86

“Let Love In”

TThe penthouse felt empty with Ares gone.

Business was the only explanation he gave me before leaving earlier that morning. I was starting to realize that when Ares said he had business, there was no point in asking too many questions because he would tell me whatever he wanted me to know.

I sat at the dining table with my sketchbook open while a lavender-colored pencil moved across the page. My breakfast was still half-finished beside me. I had egg whites, fruit, toast, and a couple slices of bacon because my doctor had been on my ass about eating balanced meals and getting enough protein.

I reached for the pill holder beside my plate and swallowed my morning medication with some water. One pill helped with the twitching in my hands, and the other was an antipsychotic.

Only my doctor knew the real reason I needed that one.

I had been hearing voices.

They were quieter lately and almost gone most days. The medicine helped with my anger too, and when I slept, the nightmares weren’t as bad as they used to be.

I picked up my nicotine-free vape and took a pull. Of course, Ares had made sure there wasn’t any nicotine in it because apparently controlling what went into my body was another responsibility he had given himself.

I couldn’t complain too much this morning because I had already gotten a lot done. I ate most of my breakfast, took my medication, and finished an entire Zoom session with my counselor about an hour ago.

She told me I sounded clearer and stronger.

I felt it too.

A craving had hit me earlier, but it didn’t last long. Drugs had a way of creeping into my thoughts whenever everything around me became too calm. Before, I would’ve chased the feeling because getting high was easier than sitting with whatever was going on in my head.

I didn’t want to do that anymore.

Knowing Ares had my back helped more than I wanted to admit. I was starting to understand that I didn’t need drugs to fill every empty space in me.

I looked down at my sketchbook again. The lavender fields from yesterday were starting to come together on the page, but my mind kept going back to last night.

It had been almost two years since I had sex without drugs or some type of chaos attached to it.

Being with Ares felt different.

Most of the time, sex had always been sex to me. I could enjoy it without attaching feelings to it and move on afterward.

Ares wasn’t treating me that way.

I could tell he was trying to make it mean something. He wanted me to feel him beyond what happened in bed, and part of me wondered if he was trying to get me comfortable enough to give him more of myself than I planned to.

Maybe he even wanted me to submit to him eventually.

My brain hated that idea.

My heart was becoming the bigger problem because every time I tried to remind myself that this marriage was an arrangement, another part of me wondered what would happen if I stopped fighting everything I felt for him.

Maybe I could let love in.

I wasn’t ready to admit that out loud.

I enjoyed last night, and Ares made me feel good in ways I hadn’t experienced in a long time. Enjoying what happened between us didn’t mean I was ready to hand myself over to him completely.

Those were two very different things.

I went back to shading the lavender rows until I heard the elevator doors open behind me.

Vivi stepped into the penthouse looking elegant as usual. Her hair was perfect, her clothes looked expensive without trying too hard, and her eyes reminded me so much of Ares that sometimes it was hard not to stare at them.