Page 70

“You don’t have any advice on how to get used to it?” I called after her as she left the room.

“You’ll work it out!” she called back as the door closed behind her.

I sighed. Great. Just “get used to it”? How the hell was I meant to single-​handedly dismantle years of conditioning to be self-​reliant and not depend on anybody too much? To not be terrified of being vulnerable and showing all of myself to someone in case they left when I needed them the most?

And it didn’t help that Drew had started a steady stream of messages to Nisa ever since he’d come across us in that clinch at the switch-on. Not a sausage from him in ages, apart from that tone-​deaf, borderline cruel text about Aileen’s pregnancy. And now, since he’d got an inkling that Nisa was moving on instead of fulfilling his fantasy that she’d be a curled-up husk crying her eyes out over him every night until the day she died, he suddenly wanted to message to “check in” and make sure she was okay after everything she’d been “coping with.”

Fucking. Prick.

Problem was, I was fully aware that up until very recently, Nisa had wanted Drew back. That was part of the reason hearing about the pregnancy had hurt her so much. Because it was the final nail in the coffin that he’d moved on with no chance of reconciliation. So now that he was sniffing around again, would she eventually decide that he was worth another go? Would she come to the same conclusion as everyone else, that I was okay while I had my time, but that I wasn’t endgame?

I lifted a pen, chewing on the end as I tried to solve a seemingly impossible problem.

27

Nisa

“YOU’RE DOING IT again,” Rona said from across the office.

“Doing what?” I asked, dragging my eyes off the wall I had been staring at for the last couple of minutes and onto where she was sitting at a desk, typing up some notes.

“Staring into space and daydreaming about your new boyfriend,” Rona said, a smile in her voice as she continued typing.

She had me there. That was exactly what I had been doing, multiple times per day every day since that first night we spent together after the lighting event at the town center.

“Sorry,” I said. “I’ll try not to distract you with my daydreaming.”

She laughed. “No need to apologize. It’s lovely to see you so happy.” She paused, turning away from her keyboard to face me. “If you don’t mind me being honest with you?” She waited for me to respond.

“Go ahead,” I said, waving a hand.

“I’ve never seen you like this. Not even when you first got together with Drew. Not even when he proposed.” She smiled gently. “I think that’s a sign.”

I nodded, memories of how good Kerr made me feel about myself, how secure, rushing up like a warm blanket. He had never once made me feel that I needed to adjust myself or sacrifice myself to be lovable. Not the way Drew had. Not how my parents still did at times. Especially Mum. “I think you’re right. I just didn’t see it before. With Drew, I mean. I was blinded by infatuation.”

Rona grinned. “Not that you aren’t infatuated with Kerr, by the looks of things.”

I smiled, my cheeks heating. “That’s different.”

“I know,” she said, turning back to her screen. “I can tell.” She began typing again. “Maybe that’s got something to do with the multiple orgasms.”

“Shh,” I said, glancing toward the door. “One of the others might hear you.” She just chuckled behind me as I tried to get on with my own notes. “Anyway. It’s not just the multiple orgasms, although they help of course. It’s how he treats me. How he accepts and seems to really like me for who I am. Not for who he wants to mold me into or for what I can do for him.”

“That makes total sense,” she said over her shoulder.

I bit my lip. “The only thing is . . .” I trailed off, trying to think how to word it.

“What?” Rona asked, turning back again.

“I feel like he’s holding back. I feel free to be myself with him, in a way I never did with Drew. Or at least, I’m learning to be that way. And he’s confided in me about stuff that he says he’s not told anyone else, and I can tell it was a real challenge for him. But I feel that there’s more that he’s afraid, or not willing, to say.”

Rona nodded thoughtfully. “It’s still early days though. Give him a bit of time. He’s probably just used to being the strong, silent type and needs a chance to settle in before he can fully speak his mind.”

“Yeah,” I said, turning my attention back to my work. “I’m sure you’re right. I can give him time.”

But what if he needed more than that? More than anything I could give him?

Finishing up, I excused myself to pop in and see Anna for a few minutes before afternoon visiting time. She was working on her cross-​stitch again when I arrived, and it looked just about finished.