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“Oh my goodness!” I leaned over to peck him on the cheek, happiness bubbling over. “That is amazing, Kerr!”
His cheeks streaked ever so slightly with pink as he gave me a soft smile. “Thanks to you for putting the idea in my head.”
I flopped my hand in an it’s nothing gesture. “Ach, I merely encouraged an idea that was already there. Are you going to pick him up?”
“Yeah. After I’ve taken you to Greg’s to fetch your car, I’ll head over there to collect him.”
“Have you been getting some more walks with him too?”
He nodded enthusiastically . . . well, as outwardly enthusiastic as Kerr got . . . which might not be apparent to the untrained eye. However, I could tell now when he was really excited about something. His eyes would go all bright and he’d get this intense look on his face. “I’ve been heading over to Aileen’s every night this week, walking him and dropping him home.”
“Aww, brilliant.” I paused for a beat. “And how is she keeping?”
He reached over and took my hand, giving it a squeeze and watching my face carefully as he answered. “Good. I think the sickness is improving.”
Funnily, there was no pang of sadness now. I was just glad she was feeling better. “Good, good.”
His eyes roamed my face. “How about you? Feeling okay about it?”
It might be difficult for me to handle that Drew was having a baby, but I still wanted the best for Aileen and said offspring. And Drew too, I supposed. “Yeah. I think I am, thanks.” I remembered the last time we had talked about this, when Kerr had said the news of the pregnancy hadn’t really bothered him. There was something I’d wanted to ask about at the time, but then Dave had distracted us. “You know when we were on that walk, when you and Dave T Dog rescued me from my broken-down Mini?”
A smile played about his mouth. “Mm-hmm.”
“You said that you were relieved when Aileen left because the relationship was dead in the water. And that her finding someone else had eased your guilt a little. I was wondering, what did you have to feel guilty about?”
He didn’t answer for a few seconds, and I worried that I’d pushed a bit too much, been too nosy. I was about to apologize when he spoke.
“She and I never really gelled as a couple. I was too introverted for her and she couldn’t get her head around it.” He paused to ponder. I liked how considered he was about everything. How he thought about what he wanted to say but still spoke from the heart and in a direct manner rather than beating around the bush. “For example, she wanted big, public, showy gestures, whereas I’m more of a small, private gesture kind of a guy.”
No wonder she’d gone for Drew, then. He’d gotten on his knee in a crowded restaurant to propose to me, after asking the waiter to stop the music and tapping his champagne glass loudly so everyone in the place would be watching when he did it. Sometimes I thought that he’d cared more about the spectacle than my answer.
“I couldn’t give her what she wanted. It wasn’t that I didn’t love her, I just didn’t show it in the way she wanted. It wasn’t enough for her . . . I wasn’t enough,” he added quietly.
My heart turned brittle in my chest, and then shattered into tiny pieces for him. How could anyone think he wasn’t enough? He’d been more than enough for me over the past couple of weeks, his steady presence comforting and reassuring. Helping me work my way through my problems. And we weren’t even a couple.
I was beginning to wish that we were.
This time it was my turn to give his hand a reassuring squeeze. And he gave me a rueful smile in return. “Anyway. I felt guilty about not having been able to be what she wanted, so I was relieved when she found a guy who could.”
I nodded slowly, feeling that I was having an epiphany. Well, in the midst of one anyway. I think it had started a number of weeks ago and was just building to a climax now. The realization that I did not want Drew back after all. And perhaps it had been Kerr grumpy-arsed Murdoch who had helped me get there.
“I think I can see what you mean. But I don’t think you had anything to feel guilty about, Kerr. You shouldn’t be with someone who makes you feel guilty just for being yourself.”
He gave me a pointed look, and I realized my own hypocrisy.
I nodded. “Okay. Touché.”
He shrugged. “Anyhow. I expected her to leave at some point, to be honest. I kind of have that effect on people.”
I frowned. “You do?”
He studied his coffee cup. “Yeah. My mum left me and my dad when I was ten. And my dad was emotionally unavailable. It only got worse after Mum left. And then after I moved away from home for my veterinary training, Dad died.” He sounded so matter-of-fact that his words broke my heart even more than if he’d shown any emotion. “And since then I’ve had a bit of a track record with people I love leaving me. Aileen was just the latest in the line. At least when she left I had plenty to buy her out of her share of the house. I was the sole beneficiary in Dad’s will when he died, so selling his estate left a good nest egg.”
Something sharp dug into my chest, sending a painful lump up into my throat. I tucked my arm through his, snuggling into his side and resting my head on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry,” I said softly. “I didn’t know that about your parents.”
He kissed the top of my head, his stubble grazing my scalp through my hair and making my skin tingle. “That’s okay. It’s ancient history now.” He cleared his throat. “I can’t believe I just told you that. The bit about how I expect people to leave, I mean. Don’t think I’ve ever said that out loud before.”
I lifted my head to look at him, encouraged that he’d confessed a deep confidence, but heart aching that he felt that way in the first place. “I’m glad you told me.” I wasn’t sure what I could say to refute such an ingrained, though thoroughly untrue idea. I lifted my hand to his cheek. Perhaps I could show him instead.