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At eighteen when I was walking into the airport to go to my first military assignment.

At twenty-two when I didn't know what the fuck I was doing with my life but somehow still thought I knew everything.

At twenty-two when she asked me about marriage and I ruined everything by letting my nerves get the best of me.

At twenty-three when she was squeezing the fuck out of my hand and yelling at me while she pushed out our big headed son.

I remember her handing him to me for the first time and how fucking small he was.

I'd been terrified because my entire understanding of fatherhood came from a man who couldn't be bothered to show up most of the time and made us miserable whenever he did.

When Blaire got pregnant, everyone kept telling me fatherhood would come naturally.

It fucking didn't.

Love did.

The second Theo was put in my arms, I loved him so violently it scared me.

Sometimes I'm still terrified there's something buried in me that'll turn me into my father. That all it will take is one day of Theo getting on my nerves for me to turn into the monster who makes his son hide bruises and dread going home everyday after school.

Blaire squeezes my hand. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Just tired.”

She looks at me sideways and laughs. “That why you keep chugging energy drinks?”

“Yeah.” I keep my answers short. “Didn’t sleep well last night.”

She studies me. “Is it Veronica?”

The name immediately tightens something in my chest.

“No.”

I slept maybe two hours last night. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw this hike going wrong in some new and humiliating way.

I drop the ring off the cliff.

I forget every word I've rehearsed.

Someone blurts something out before it’s time.

I get down on one knee and she stares at me like I've completely lost my mind.

That last one kept me awake the longest.

There's still this ugly little part of my brain that whispers I don't deserve her.

That I owe karma a debt and all this goodness I’ve finally gotten with Blaire is going to be taken from me the same way I took it from her.

“DADDY, LOOK!”

I snap back to reality.

Theo is standing beside Carter holding a giant stick.

“Cool, buddy.” I call back.