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“You feel left out of his life. It’s not a crime to feel that way.”
A lone tear dripped down the side of her face. I stopped it with my thumb. She leaned into my touch. I inched closer, snaking my arms around her waist, pulling her against me. And finally, our mouths met and we were kissing. By the time we broke apart, I was shaking and hot and breathless. And utterly horrified at what I’d just let happen.
Luci looked straight into my eyes. “You’ll regret this later. I know.”
“Luci, if you understood what Jack means to me—”
“I do, though. You needed a family and he and Rhett and the other guys became yours.”
“If I lost him or my job or the other guys, I would have nothing. No family to go home to and lick my wounds. No one who loves me just for me. No one who thinks I’m good at anything.”
“And choosing me would put all that into motion?” Luci asked. “Because of something Jack said ten years ago?”
“Not only that. What happens when you wake up one day and decide you don’t want me. What if I did something that hurt you or made you mad and you sent me away?”
“That’s ridiculous. First, you’re the gentlest, sweetest guy in the world and I can’t imagine you doing anything that would make me want to send you anywhere but back into my bed. Second, sometimes things work out. Look at Jack and Ivy.”
“They’re the only ones we know who are like that, though. I’m not going to get that with someone. My dad always said I didn’t have the right work ethic. He told me once I’d never find a woman to marry because I was so weak. That keeping a woman needed a man of character, of fortitude.”
“Weak? That’s a laugh.” She fixed glittering eyes on me with such intensity I had to look away.
“He had this obstacle course in the back yard and he made me do it every morning at 5 a.m. If my time wasn’t better than the time before, he made me do burpees until I threw up. Only then would he let me go inside and take a shower. I can’t tell you how many times I sat on that bathroom floor crying my eyes out.”
“What he did to you is awful. Love shouldn’t be transactional. You don’t have to perform like a trained monkey for affection. You’re enough just as you are.”
“I want to believe that but … what about Jack? What about the reality of our situation? I’m on the road all the time. You’re saving children. It’s all way too complicated and messy and dabbling in it this month is probably the worst idea either of us have ever had.”
“Or, it could be the best idea we’ve ever had,” Luci said softly. “We could become each other’s family.”
I closed my eyes for a second, a wave of pain washing over me. That’s all I wanted. Luci.
I opened my eyes to see that she was still watching me. The pain in her eyes made me want to cry.
“Luci, it’s all I want. You’re all I’ve wanted since that Thanksgiving we spent together. Maybe even before then. Honestly, I can’t remember a time I didn’t love you. It feels like I’m dying every time I have to say goodbye to you because I’m always afraid it might be the last. But I don’t know how to love you and keep everything else. I’m sorry. More than you will ever understand.”
I kissed her forehead and rolled away from her, shoving my feet into my boots and pulling on my jacket. I didn’t look back before heading out into the coldest air I’d ever felt in my life.
10
LUCI
December 9
Dancing at the Blue Fern Bar and Grill
Clear and frigid
Supper: Burgers & fries
I’d cried after Grant left, wearing myself out to such a degree that I actually slept well. However, the crying had left behind an ache right in the back of my eyes. My instinct was to stay in my cabin, but I knew it would be better for me to get out and enjoy whatever the day had to offer. According to the calendar, we were supposed to go into town for burgers and dancing. I’d been looking forward to it but, with everything happening with Grant, I felt less so.
What’s a girl to do with a bruised heart the size of Montana? Talk to her Mama.
I hadn’t planned to. In fact, my aim was to keep all of this away from my mother’s ears. She was close with Jack, and knowing how I felt about Grant would put her in a terrible position.
After breakfast, my mother asked if I’d have coffee with her at the lodge. I agreed, feeling slightly guilty that I hadn’t spent more time with her. However, that was my mistake. Mothers see way too much. Apparently, the cooking lessons had given Carol Wilder way too much information.
We helped ourselves to the complimentary coffee inside the lodge and then sat in soft chairs with high backs, situated in front of a window that faced the mountain range. There had been no snowfall overnight, but enough had accumulated from previous days that the world was still blanketed in white. Under the clear sky, snow glittered with thousands of sparkles.
