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“What you’re feeling is perfectly normal, Emily, and unfortunately, it can be very, very painful. Grief is not a disease or a mental disorder. It is a natural emotional response to a significant loss. You have suffered more than a significant loss. You’ve had a tragic loss, and you have the right to be angry, sad, tearful—all these emotions. And you need to feel these emotions when you feel them. Don’t put them off, however painful they are. It’s part of the grieving process, and there’s no easy way through it. You have to surrender yourself to your grief and go wherever it takes you. It’ll be a roller coaster, with many ups and downs.

“Grieving is more difficult with sudden death losses. They are harder to deal with because they throw up all sorts of complicated and disturbing emotions. For example, you might feel guilty.” She paused when I glanced up at her.

How does she know?

“Do you feel guilty, Emily?”

I swallowed.

Oh no. I was not prepared for this. I did not want to discuss this.

I stared down at my knotted fingers as guilt tightened my throat.

“Is that what this is about? Your feelings of guilt?”

My fingers tightened—the chasm opening in front of me. I could not talk about this.

“What do you have to feel guilty about?” she prodded again, as if she were picking a scab off a septic wound.

I closed my eyes, hoping she would go away.

I don’t want to go here. I don’t want to go here.

She tried again. Clearly she was not giving up without a fight. “Why do you feel guilty?”

I remained stubbornly mute.

“Emily.” Her voice had lost its gentle veneer. “What do you have to feel guilty about?”

I glared at her, my resentment obvious, but she remained cool, calm, and determined.

“Tell me.”

Yes, I felt guilty. Guilty to have survived the accident that killed my entire family, guilty for being a burden to Dylan and messing up his sterile, tidy, uncomplicated life—guilty because I didn’t want to care for him. I didn’t want to care for anyone. I didn’t want to be hurt like this again… ever.

I should be with them!

“Emily?” she persisted.

“I survived,” I whispered.

Bam!

The white noise was back, hissing and droning, reverberating inside my head.

“Yes, you did, but that’s not a reason to feel guilty. Did you cause the accident?”

I frowned. “No.” I squeezed the word out past my constricted throat.

“Then there’s no reason for you to feel guilty. Emily,” she said, her voice gentle, “it’s a natural reaction and one that you’ll have to work through. But let me tell you now, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I know. I’m a doctor.” She smiled, and I realized she was trying to be funny.

I remained stony-faced.

“Is there something else?” she asked.

I flushed.

“What else do you feel guilty about?”