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Chapter I The Terrible Now
August, this year.
It was a glorious day to be buried. The sun shone bold and bright, and a lone cotton cloud drifted across the bluest of blue skies drawing my attention away from the mourners at the graveside.
Hmm. A solitary cloud. In a big empty sky. Alone.
Like me.
The distressed creak of nylon straps as the second coffin was lowered into the grave brought me back to the now.
No.
No.
I couldn’t bear it, so I forced my gaze onto a single majestic oak on a distant hill spreading its branches and leaves to embrace the sun. It was magnificent, its leaves rippling emerald to forest green in the warm air. It wanted the light, not the darkness unfurling before me.
The tree. Concentrate on the tree.
It must be old.
Was it here before the graveyard?
A hundred years ago? Two hundred?
I had no idea.
The smell of freshly mown grass and damp chalky earth invaded my senses. The aroma filled my nostrils, fighting the overpowering perfume of the flowers that lay in a vivid blanket of color around the gaping grave. Tribute upon floral tribute—their petals, leaves, and memorial cards fluttering in the gentle breeze.
For them.
My family.
My whole family.
I turned away and looked once more at the cloud that had thinned to resemble a fluffy crocodile scrambling across the sky.
Billy! The cloud!
I almost turned around to tell him and point to the sky.
Almost.
He and I loved cloud animals, and he always saw the most fantastical creatures, like giants and dragons and monsters, whereas my imaginings were more mundane and real: a dog asleep or a horse running. But, of course, he wasn’t beside me; he was in front of me, cold and dead in a wooden box, and we’d never be able to share clouds again.
Reverend O’Connell coughed and stumbled over his words, and I was once more back in the terrible now. The final, smaller—too small—coffin descended. The straps silent. The weight not testing the nylon.
Billy.
I watched his final short journey.
Down. Down. Down.
Until his coffin disappeared into the grave to join my parents.
Mum. Dad.
I should be with them.
