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“It’s fine, I made it out, that’s all that matters.” I gaze down at our still wet clothes.
“Come on, you can borrow some of my best friends clothes, and then if you want you can talk about what happened earlier, and if not will watch a movie, but I’m not going to leave you alone while you’re suffering. Okay?”
“Okay.”
Chapter Six
Carson
“Two of my friends died.” My voice wavers as the words tumble out of my mouth. Alexis stills next to me.
My hands shake as I play with a loose thread of my grey jogging pants.
We’d gone upstairs, my mind still reeling with the panic attack I had and the information Alexis had given me. She was living with rapists, she had survived a horrible attack and was then placed into a home with rapists. How could someone do that to a child?
Alexis toweled my hair, then turned around as I got changed.
My muscles were screaming in protest. I don’t want to know how long it took for me to change into a shirt. But Alexis didn’t seem to mind. She just kept smiling gently, brought me a glass of water, and turned on the television, giving me time to collect my thoughts.
The thunder brought bad memories of Joey’s and Melissa’s deaths. It was storming then too, and every time it thunders, it brings me back to that night.
I stare at the television. There is a baseball game happening. Normally I would be all over it, but I don’t have the energy to keep watching the score.
“A little over a year ago,” I continue. “I found them.” I bite my lip harshly to keep my emotions in.
“I’m so sorry, Carson.” People always tell me that, but they don’t know what it’s like. Alexis does. I know she was in the same room when her brother died. She knows what it’s like to lose someone and not be able to help them.
“It was thundering. I was at work. We responded to a call. I was the first one on scene.” I swallow past the lump in my throat, recalling the sight of them sitting there. “I didn’t know it was them at first until I looked into the car.” Alexis grabs my hand and squeezes tightly.
My eyes well with tears. My voice cracks as I continue. “They weren’t moving. They were sitting there with their eyes open. And I wanted to help them, but I knew. I knew they were gone.” I meet Alexis’s eyes.
“I wanted to save them, I really did.”
“I know you did, I know you did everything you could.”
“But it wasn’t enough, nothing I did was enough!” I’m yelling now. All the frustration that has bubbled up over the past years has finally reached its breaking point.
“Nothing I do is enough. I’m a fucking firefighter, and I couldn’t save them. I’m worthless, absolutely worthless!” The words leave my mouth in an angry rage.
I couldn’t stop them even if I wanted to. “Why the fuck am I a firefighter if I can’t save the people that matter the most? All they wanted to do was pick up their son.”
“You’re not worthless,” Alexis says sternly, cupping my face again, veering my eyes toward her. “It was out of your control. There was nothing you could have done.”
“We should have gotten there sooner.”
“It was unpreventable. You couldn’t have known that was going to happen.”
“But—” I stammer. She shushes me with her finger. “I know what you’re going through. I have lived with the same feeling for fifteen years. I blamed myself for Micah’s death, thinking I should have protected him better, but there was nothing I could have done, just like there was nothing you could have done to save your friends.”
“I can’t sleep,” I confess quietly. “Every time I close my eyes, I see them sitting there lifeless in their car.”
Alexis smooths her thumb over my cheek. “I know it’s hard. It took me a while too.”
“How did it change?”
She smiles sadly, pushing a strand of hair off my forehead. “I was petrified it would happen again. I kept a fork underneath my pillow in case someone entered my room. I never felt safe enough to fall asleep peacefully. I was always prepared for the worst. That made my nightmares worse, but when I turned eighteen, I got my own place. I finally felt safe enough. I still have nightmares occasionally, but not as bad as I used to. I don’t think they’ll ever leave, but feeling safe is the most important part.”
“But I am safe. I’m all alone.”
