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Tristan wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly. “I can feel you.” A movement made him gasp for air.

With tender thrusts, Leaf penetrated deeper into him, kissing him and seeking his gaze.

Tristan longed for him with every fiber of his being. He held his gaze until Leaf hit that one spot. Moaning loudly, Tristan tossed his head back and gripped the pillow with one hand.

Their breath and heartbeats were in sync, and as Leaf brought him closer to the edge, Tristan slid a hand between them and touched himself. There was no turning back now. Leaf sat up and clutched his thighs tightly. He increased the pace, pushing Tristan over the edge.

Moaning loudly, he spilled onto his stomach. Shortly after, Leaf pulled out of him, and Tristan watched, breathing heavily, as he removed the condom and came all over him.

He was breathtaking when he came, and Tristan knew it was only the beginning.

22

–––––

Guilt

Tristan traced the phoenix on Leaf’s chest with his finger. As Leaf’s muscles twitched under his touch, Tristan propped himself on one elbow, and kissed Leaf’s nipple.

It was as if they had made up for everything in the past few hours that hadn’t been possible in the last four weeks. They had lain together for a long time, exchanging tender gestures, caressing each other, and making promises. All of this had led to another round of intense and passionate sex.

Exhausted and deeply satisfied, Tristan lay on his back and stared at the bedroom ceiling. The fan above them was spinning, and a fresh breeze blew in through the open window. After their third orgasm, they had showered together, but sweat was already oozing from every pore.

The demons were banished, yet Tristan still felt a heavy melancholy that couldn’t be dispelled even by hot sex, though he had hoped it would.

“What’s on your mind?” Leaf asked, turning to face him.

“I always thought there was a life before the thing with my parents and one after. But now, the life after my parents’ death is the life before Milo’s death. And whether I want it or not, life after Milo’s death has begun. How could it be that Clint’s questions threw me off so much?”

“You weren’t prepared for it,” Leaf replied, brushing a dark lock of hair from Tristan’s forehead.

“It’s been twenty years.” Tristan shook his head in disbelief, as if trying to shake off the memories. Yet, they remained. The sex had only temporarily driven them away.

“My mom died almost twenty years ago too,” Leaf whispered. “I miss her. And even though I know it’s absolutely ridiculous, I still fantasize today about what my life would have been like if she hadn’t died of cancer.”

“I do that too. Or at least I used to. But since Milo, I can’t put a clear thought together. Everything is completely messed up.”

There was a deep furrow between Leaf’s eyes, which only appeared when something was bothering him. Surprised, Tristan sat up and crossed his legs.

“What’s wrong?”

Leaf rubbed his face tiredly and pursed his lips. Sitting up, he wrapped his arms around his legs. His eyes lowered, and he turned away from Tristan, suddenly becoming bashful. “Did you … really want to kill yourself?”

There it was again, that feeling of tightness, like an iron belt binding around Tristan’s chest and squeezing his lungs. So many thoughts raced through his mind, but he couldn’t grasp any of them.

Yes, he had wanted to kill himself. In that exact moment. And no, he hadn’t thought of anyone. Not even Leaf, the only person left to him. All he had wanted in that moment was to be with Milo and with his parents. His real parents. With his mom, who had promised him that if he went to heaven, he would see Grandma there. If that was true, Mom had to be there too. And Dad. And Milo.

“Yes,” he admitted weakly. “That’s what I wanted.”

Leaf’s eyes glistened. He closed them tightly, pressing his hands to his face.

“I was … desperate,” Tristan continued. “And in that moment, there was no other way for me.”

“You just disappeared.” Now it was Leaf’s voice that trembled. Tristan was surprised that he hadn’t already lit a cigarette, but the way Leaf sat there, he seemed paralyzed. “I called you a hundred times.”

The last time Tristan had checked his phone, there were 76 missed calls and 35 text messages. He hung his head and exhaled a heavy sigh.

“It wasn’t until five days later that I found out you were in Vegas. That you crashed into a wall. You probably had all the damn guardian angels you could wish for on your side. The doctors forbade me from visiting you because I’m not family!”