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José didn’t stay silent for long. “Nah, you can’t just brush it off like that. You’ve got a responsibility here—to the band and yourself. Honestly? I’m more worried about you than I am about Tristan.”
“Finally, we get to the point.” Leaf sat back down. He was far too sober for this conversation.
“Did you talk to Andrej?” José asked.
“Why?”
“Because he’s already freaking out. About you,” José said, pocketing his phone. “He called me and suggested bringing in Iggy to replace you if you can’t get it together.”
“Replace me?” The words sounded foreign coming from his mouth. “That’s not possible. We brought him into the band ourselves.”
José rubbed his forehead and sighed. “I know.”
It didn’t surprise Leaf that Andrej had already lost all trust in him. When it came to drugs, the bassist had always drawn a strict line. But Leaf questioned how much trust he could still have in himself. He had crossed this line many times before, and each time had ended in disaster.
“I’m worried,” José whispered, sitting back down on the chair.
Leaf hung his head and stared into his glass. “This time, it’s different.”
“In what way?”
“I have to find Diego. When I find him … As long as he doesn’t …”
As José patiently waited for him to form a complete sentence, Leaf could see it in his eyes, the pain he felt when Leaf was in this state.
“I’m responsible for Milo’s death,” Leaf admitted.
José shook his head with conviction. “That’s nonsense.”
“I introduced Milo to Diego. And the guy gets away with it as if nothing happened. He sent Milo on that job.” Feeling his hands start to tremble, Leaf lit a cigarette. “That’s not fair.”
José seemed to recognize that Leaf was discussing something that was tearing him apart inside. With a sympathetic frown, he leaned forward. “Leaf, it’s not your fault.”
Leaf shook his head and finished his drink. Although he caught José's words, their meaning eluded him. Deep down, he knew the truth of what he had done.
“Please promise me you won't totally lose it this time,” José pleaded.
Leaf bit his lip, taking a deep drag of the cigarette before exhaling the smoke. Despite his best efforts, it wasn’t his intention …
“Leaf?”
“Ugh, what do you want from me? You know I can’t promise something like that. Why do you keep coming back here?”
“This is the only time we can have a quiet conversation,” José replied. “Honestly, I miss the times when we just hung out together.”
Leaf felt the same way, so he nodded.
For a while, he listened to the rustling of the leaves and the chirping of the cicadas. The sound of nature always had a calming effect on him.
“Have you seen the photos Nathan took at the release concert?” José asked.
Leaf shook his head. “Are they good?”
“Hmm … Do you remember?”
Leaf nodded, although he could barely remember the evening.
“Well, Nathan has a good eye. The photos … They’re … Well, we definitely should have done everything we could to postpone the gig. I’m sorry.”
