Page 100
“Yes,” Tristan panted, planting one hand on the wall beside the mirror. “Faster. Fuck me hard.”
Leaf gripped Tristan’s hips with both hands and did as he was told. Deep, hard, and faster, he drove them both to the edge. He felt Tristan writhe beneath him, his muscles tensing, and then Tristan came loudly into the sink.
“Oh fuck,” he gasped. “Don’t stop. Keep going.”
And Leaf did, until he too was swept away by the hot wave. He moaned, spurting into Tristan, and leaned his head back. When the wave subsided, he wrapped his arms around his lover, rested his forehead on his shoulder, and savored the feeling of their bodies breathing in sync and coming down together.
“I love you,” Leaf murmured breathlessly against his shoulder.
“I love you too,” Tristan replied, straightening up and turning to face him. He gently caressed Leaf’s cheek and kissed him, searching for his gaze. “What do you think about the suggestion?”
“Yes.”
“Yes? Just like that? Do you understand what it means?”
Leaf averted his gaze. “I understand it very well. I want you, Tris. And the music. I don’t want to go through the tour half-dead, searching for drugs in every country, and end up having to send Iggy on stage because I can’t get it together.”
Tristan’s expression softened at his words. “Leaf…”
But he wasn’t done and shook his head. “It scares me. What happened yesterday—that can’t happen again. Fuck, I’m even afraid of the next hit because I know where it leads, and I’m scared it could be the last one—yet I can’t stop thinking about it. I still have a choice, but it’s only a matter of days before I’m hooked again.”
For a moment, he faltered, his expression contorting. He didn’t know why tears filled his eyes. Maybe because every word he said was the truth? It wasn’t a junkie’s truth, but a real, honest one. “The only way out of this mess for me is therapy. I know that. As shitty as it will be. But there’s no other way. I was going to ask you for help today anyway. I’m doing this for you.”
“I don’t want you to do it for me.”
Leaf managed a smile. “I’d do anything for you. You know that. And I’m also doing it for me. I want to be the man you deserve. I want to be there for you. I can’t do that like this. I want to lose control with you, not with the drugs. I want to do the right thing.” With these words, his smile faded as his gaze shifted away from Tristan. If only he had done the right thing and refused to help Milo from the start.
Tristan knew him too well and noticed where his thoughts were drifting. “Don’t do that. Don’t blame yourself for something you couldn’t control.”
“If you really think that, then… I’m sorry. I…”
“It’s not your fault,” Tristan said, stroking his cheek and neck. “Understood?”
“I should have…”
“No. You wanted to help Milo. He asked for your help, and you gave it to him. Because that’s who you are. Because you’d do anything for us. It’s not your fault.”
“I’m so sorry.” Leaf felt his eyes well up again. “I miss him. And then you were gone too and… I just couldn’t handle it. And now…”
“Me neither,” Tristan whispered and embraced him. “But we’ll get through this.”
Leaf admired Tristan and wished for some of his strength. Maybe the therapy would work wonders, because right now, he needed all his strength just to live this broken life. As long as Tristan was by his side, he would make it. “When do I check in?”
“Wednesday.”
“Please, don’t let me out of your sight until then.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
Leaf hugged Tristan even tighter and breathed in his wonderful, spicy scent. Staying like this for a while, gathering strength—that was all he wanted.
39
–––––
Backstage
The noise of the crowd seeped into the dressing room, reverberating up Tristan’s legs like an earthquake and spreading throughout his entire body. He stood alone in front of the mirror, the bathroom door behind him slightly ajar, as he went through vocal warm-ups. Though it didn’t show on the outside, his heart raced, his hands were clammy, and his throat felt constricted. But the real chaos was happening in his head.
