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“No.” I shake my head. “There’s no Josie or Bunny right now. You’re going to shut up and listen. You ended things between us, not me. You said we were dumb kids, not me. You left me when I needed you the most and never tried to come after me.”
I press a finger into his chest. “You weren’t there when I decided to drop out of college.”
I jab my finger again. “You weren’t there in the courtroom when my parents accepted their plea deal, and I chose to never speak to them again.”
I poke him again, feeling a tear run down my cheek. “You weren’t there all of those nights that I was alone, looking up into the stars or lying in bed, wondering if you were still dreaming of a life with me.”
I start to jab him again but stop when he nods.
“I know. That’s why I’m sorry.” He hangs his head and says the words so softly. “I’m so fucking sorry. I’ve wanted to tell you that every day since you left.”
Instead of landing another jab into his stupidly muscular chest, my hand flattens over his heart—the place where I wish I could bury my face right now. This time, I’m the one who tilts his chin up with my other hand so I can look into his eyes. His apology is written across his face, out in the open for me to see now, thanks to him trimming his beard. “This is why I wanted to move on, Sly. This is why I said let’s cut our losses.”
“Well, I’m not ready for that.” His words land as a statement of fact, not an argument or a question.
Sitting in his lap, looking up into those baby blues, I see a little glimmer of the boy who owned my heart, except now he has the conviction of the man he’s grown into. His grip on me tightens, and I don’t fight it; I still love being held by him.
“I lied, and I’m sorry. I’ve been beating myself up for years. I fucking lied to you, and to myself, because I was scared. Even now, that’s why I didn’t want you to know about my leg or my accident. I wanted you to continue hating me so you wouldn’t have a reason to come back here or feel like you needed to stay. I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“The right thing? How on earth was that the right thing to do?” My voice trembles, and he wipes a tear from my cheek.
The fact that he wanted me to hate him, when he still loved me, fractures my heart, but in a different way—a way that it might be able to recover and heal.
“You were miserable here. I saw it every day. You hated the town, and back then, a lot of them harbored hate for your family, too. I saw how restless you were. I thought… I thought if I let you go—made you go—that you would be better off, with a fresh start. I thought this place, even me, would only hold you back. I thought you’d eventually resent me too. I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I was the one keeping you from the life you wanted.”
“You couldn’t live with yourself, Sly?” The tears start to flow from my eyes. “How do you think I felt living without you?”
“I don’t know what else to say. Josie, I’m sorry. I was dumb. I was a moron. I was a kid. I was—”
“How about you were all of the above, you big, stupid idiot? That wasn’t your choice to make. You were supposed to talk with me, not make decisions for me.”
I don’t try to hide my tears anymore, and he doesn’t try to wipe them away either. Instead, he just holds me tighter, letting me bury my face into his chest. I bang one fist against his firm shoulder.
I want to be angry.
No, I am angry.
But my anger fades so quickly as he whispers apology after apology into my ear, kissing the top of my head. I know he means every word he’s saying.
Each word and each kiss slowly dulls the anger that I’ve clung to for so long. I don’t know how much time passes like this, me glued to him, in our favorite spot. I don’t say a word as he gently rocks me until all that’s left of that anger is the reality that we were both dumb kids who didn’t know how to process what was going on in our lives.
“So now what?” I ask, sniffling into his tear-soaked shirt, breathing in the comfort of his mint and leather scent. He has no business smelling this good after our hike. I feel his chest deflate with a long sigh.
“I don’t know. I can’t go another day without seeing you—without you in my life—much less ten years.”
Memories of those sleepless nights, wondering where he was or what he was thinking about, flash through my mind. I finally admit to myself that I don’t want to go that long without him in my life again either.
“You were right, even if you were the most stupid asshole in the world. I’m never going to want to stay here or settle down. I’m leaving next week, and I don’t know when I’m ever going to be passing back through here.”
Admittedly, based on how this unplanned stay in Sterling Springs has gone, I will make it a point to come back—or at least not go out of my way to avoid it like I have for the last decade. I want to visit Sisi and Maribel—and the man that’s holding on to me like I’m his life preserver.
“Do you have plans after the music festival?”
“No,” I say, shaking my head, still sniffling against his chest.
“Could I go with you?”
My brows furrow, and I look up at him through blurry eyes.