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My lip curls all on its own, and I swallow reflexively to keep from barfing. I barely had time to eat anything at lunch, but after witnessing her latest culinary failure, I’ve lost my appetite.
“Is that the chili or the corn bread?”
“Don’t be mean.” She pokes at the charred loaf. “I may have overcooked it a little.”
The thought of eating anything she’s made fills me with a special kind of dread. “I’m not hungry. I had a big lunch, and I’m meeting Nicole for dinner.”
“Suit yourself.” She shrugs and covers her mess. “Anyway . . . you got a package.” She points her sloppy wooden spoon toward the table, then goes back to stirring.
“This?” I poke the plain cardboard box with one finger. It doesn’t react—there’s no ticking or weird odors—so I rip off the tape and crack open the package.
The first thing I notice is the Eve’s Orchid logo emblazoned across one of the hot-pink petals on the molded-silicone orchid. My stomach bottoms out as I pick it up and accidentally press the button. To my horror, the gadget comes to life with a low buzz. I drop the whirring contraption with a shudder so fierce my teeth come together in a loud crack.
“Why in the-ever-loving-hell would you get me a-a . . . that!” I point at the offending device.
Mom snatches the battery-operated-boyfriend from the table. “Ooo! This one’s mine! The other box is for you.”
She points to another, larger box on the floor, but I can’t seem to focus on anything but the still-buzzing device in her hand.
“Does . . .” I summon a few extra drops of courage. “Does it have my face on it?”
Mom cocks an eyebrow. “What a silly question. Why would the box have your face on it?”
“Not the box.” I point my chin toward the pink vibrator in her hand. “That.”
Her mouth drops open and she quickly silences the toy. “Kennedy Jane Beaman! Why on earth would you think I’d order a vibrator with your face on it? The mere idea is beyond the pale . . . even for you.”
As if she hasn’t said and done far worse in the past few months alone.
“Whatever.” I roll my eyes and shift my gaze to the box on the floor. The length of tape across the top hangs loose as if it’s been torn open and then resealed. “You opened it?”
“Of course I opened it! Eve’s sent you samples of all the Kennedy merch—T-shirts, buttons, and an absolutely adorable stuffed pink orchid that looks just like mine!”
I follow her dreamy gaze to the pink vibrator and groan. “I really didn’t need that image burned into my brain.”
“Listen.” She shakes the toy at me, inadvertently bringing it back to life. “If I deserve anything after being married to your father for over twenty years, it’s a damn orgasm.”
“Don’t. Say. Another. Word!” I let out a squeal of desperation, stuffing my fingers in my ears as I make my escape. If I’d known she’d summoned me home to traumatize me, I would’ve stayed on campus.
I’m going to need therapy for the rest of my natural life.
24
My heart pounds in time with the pulsing music as I crouch behind a fake brick wall in a dark warehouse. Damn Tyler for actually managing to come up with something worse than minigolf in the middle of winter. I honestly didn’t think it was possible for him to top our last disastrous date, but I was wrong. Zombie apocalypse laser tag with Grant and Tyler is way worse. I may as well be trapped inside a video game console.
And because Tyler couldn’t be bothered to warn me to wear dark clothes, my fuzzy white sweater is glowing like the damn bat signal in the night sky. Thankfully, I’m not the only thing glowing under the black lights. All around me, neon graffiti marks the walls and the floors . . . not to mention the zombies bearing down on me.
“Look out!” Tyler charges toward me, firing at something over my shoulder.
Before I have a chance to raise my weapon, he body-slams me into the side wall—the one wall not constructed from thick foam and paper mache. If I had to guess, I’d say concrete blocks. That’s going to leave a mark.
“Jeez, Tyler.” I rub my aching shoulder. “Take it easy.”
“Sorry, you were about to get taken out.” He flashes a sheepish grin. “You okay?”
“I’m good.” I pick up my weapon from where I dropped it and dust myself off. “No harm, no foul.”
“Cool.” He dials up his smile and then takes off again like a rogue commando, off to save the world from the infected horde.
